In this time of "sheltering-in-place" and not going to the grocery store unless you absolutely need to replenish your necessities, you might think that junk food manufacturers would recognize the unique opportunity to put their equipment towards better use...such as creating N95 masks from Oreo cookies or something. But, seeing as how pasta, poultry and Parmesan are scarce right now, perhaps your only possible choice is a Pop Tart. So, even in the time of a pandemic, Irresponsible Calories is here for you!
Continuing the ill-advised trend of making one junk food taste like another junk food, today I've got a snack based upon a cereal, and a cereal based upon a snack food...
FROOT LOOPS POP TARTS
Here's a pop quiz for those of you who have ever eaten a bowl of Froot Loops. What fruit is the cereal supposed to taste like: cherry, lime, lemon, grape, or orange? If you answered either "all of the above" or "none of the above," you are correct! Despite what the colors would have you believe, the loops are not individually flavored. Instead, they are all the same "amalgamation" of fruit flavoring. And no fruit or fruit juice is involved, if you even had to ask. (Hint: There's a reason they are legally required to use the word "f-r-o-o-t")
Pop Tarts, by the way, aren't ones to brag either. Their frosted strawberry pastries contain more salt than strawberries, for example. So, perhaps this is a match made in heaven--two pseudo-fruit snacks joining forces. And, since Kellogg's owns both brands, back in the 1980's you might even have called this an example of "synergy." But I call it something else...awful!
It's not that this Pop Tart doesn't taste like Froot Loops. Indeed, it tastes exactly like the cereal. But that sickly-sweet imitation fruit flavor, while fine in limited doses as a crunchy cereal, does not work as the gooey filling of a warm, toaster pastry.
If you want a fruit-flavored Pop Tart, they've already got blueberry, strawberry, cherry and even apple. All those are vastly superior to this imitation fruit flavor fusion. After all, there's a reason that bakeries do not sell "fruit punch" (sorry, "froot punch") pies in the first place.
RATING: 2 / 5
TWINKIES CEREAL
The first batch of Post cereals licensed from Hostess snack cakes included Frosted Donettes and Honey Buns, which made little sense as either are valid substitutes themselves for cereal in the first place. But while donuts and cinnamon rolls are part of some American breakfasts, Twinkies are certainly not. (At least, not in the narrow-minded place where I live...)
So, where did this one go off the rails?
For starters, what do Twinkies taste like? Nothing, really. They are the Switzerland of desserts, a neutral cake that doesn't take sides one way or the other. That's why Hostess makes chocolate or mint flavored cakes, or fills them with strawberry or lime creme--to add flavor. I suppose they might taste slightly like vanilla or slightly like Styrofoam depending upon the sophistication of your palate, but the operative word here is bland. (So, maybe not Switzerland, but Denmark...)
We've already got plenty of bland cereals (plain Cheerios, Rice Chex, corn flakes), so Post apparently decided to forego the cereal route altogether. Unlike every other cereal in my cupboard, corn, wheat, oats or even rice are not the first ingredient. Or the second ingredient. No, here, corn flour is third (behind dextrose and sugar), with wheat flour coming in fifth (behind hydrogenated vegetable oil). Somehow, Post has managed to achieve the impossible...making a cereal that is even less healthy for you than a Twinkie. At least Twinkies are made of wheat flour and water before sugar!
But you aren't here to eat healthy, so how does it taste? Well, do you remember those pink and white animal circus cookies? They taste sort of like those...except with the chalky texture of what can only be described as powdered sugar packing pellets. In other words, weird. But, in some respects, I thought they were okay as a snack in small doses...albeit one that will instantly spike your blood sugar. They aren't recommended in a bowl of milk, though. And while I was briefly tempted to give them a "3" rating (not good, but not good), my family questioned my sanity enough for me to reconsider.
The moral of this story is, if you want to eat a sponge cake for breakfast instead of a pancake, you would be much better off simply grabbing a Twinkie than a cereal that purports to bring the "creamy, cakey, golden goodness" to your breakfast table. It is golden, alright, but did you really want a cereal to be creamy and cakey anyway? I think not!
RATING: 2 / 5
