NEAPOLITAN OREOS

I was a bit wary of eating any junk food named "Neapolitan" after my M&M experience a few years ago, but I have a duty to all of you out there and I don't take that duty lightly. These abominations must be called out...or praised, whatever the case may be.

To crib from my earlier review, one of the best features of Neapolitan ice cream is the ability to get exactly the mixture you want. (Unless, of course, you hate chocolate, vanilla and strawberry...in which case, what planet are you from?) Do you enjoy all three flavors? That's easy. Do you want your chocolate, vanilla or strawberry solo...never to mix? You can do that (albeit carefully). Do you want a vanilla + chocolate blend or a vanilla + strawberry blend? You can do that too. Do you want a strawberry + chocolate blend? Well, that's just weird, but okay...it can still be done. Sadly, none of that ideal blending was possible with the Neapolitan M&Ms as they each contained all three flavors in one single candy shell...which is about as stupid as making one Jelly Belly that contains all the flavors.

Unfortunately, Neapolitan Oreos are only slightly better. They, too, have combined all three flavors inside of one cookie container in the form of creme layers. However, as Oreo lovers know, those creme layers can be easily manipulated. Just open the cookie and throw away the layer you don't like. Or, better yet, trade it for a friend's unwanted layer...just wash your hands first, okay?

Sadly, though, Nabisco has violated the Neapolitan prime directive of keeping vanilla in the center at all times. Which means if you prefer the vanilla + chocolate flavor, you are going to have to peel back both outside layers to toss/trade the strawberry at the center.

Or, you could simply enjoy all three flavors at once by leaving the poor creme layer alone and just taking a bite into the "waffle cone" flavored cookie (which really just tastes like vanilla to me). Unlike the M&Ms, the mix of the three flavors in this Oreo isn't bad. None of the flavors ever overpowers the other two. In fact, the flavor I could taste the most was really just the cookie. Again, not bad. But nothing to get excited about either. Unless, perhaps, you dip them in actual Neapolitan ice cream? Hmm...

RATING: 3/5   

BLUEBERRY MUFFIN KIT KAT

It's not easy being a Kit Kat. You're definitely been stuck in the shadow of your overachieving Twix sibling for so long (Why are you so small? Why don't you contain caramel?). When the average person thinks about a candy bar incorporating a chocolate-covered cookie, they probably aren't thinking of the flimsy wafer and barely-there creme inside of a Kit Kat.

Don't believe me? Instead of passing out Snickers or Baby Ruth bars this Halloween, pass out packets of wafer cookies instead...just prepare for your house to get "egged"! Wafer cookies may go great with coffee or tea, but they certainly don't offer the sturdy sugar rush of other candy bars, including Twix.

And yet, Kit Kats have always had an advantage which Nestle is finally beginning to exploit--versatility!

Unlike a Twix, which is going to always have the caramel and cookie and can basically only tweak the coating (white chocolate, fudge) or add other flavors (peanut butter) inside, the Kit Kat's wafer, creme and thin chocolate coating are so insubstantial that they can allow for a myriad of changes. Seriously. These things are like chameleons...no wonder there are close to 400 Kit Kat flavors in Japan! We haven't been nearly as lucky here in the US, though, and occasionally get tricked when Nestle changes the color of the coating at holidays without changing the flavor. Fortunately, our luck is starting to improve and we are now seeing a  larger variety of Kit Kat flavors...though, so far, none appear to be permanent. 

That's not to say that Kit Kats can do no wrong--wasabi, baked potato, sweet corn and cheese (all real flavors, by the way) would never fly in this country. But fruit flavors? Those taste great with the light wafer and are something that a Twix bar will never be able to emulate. Nor should it.

The most recent fruit-flavored Kit Kat to appear here is blueberry muffin. Again, why not just "blueberry"? Or blueberry pie (like the Oreo cookie)? Or even blueberry cake? Why call something that crunches a muffin? And, personally, while I love to slather butter on my blueberry muffins I wouldn't want to think that taste is present in a candy bar.

But I digress..

Texture is important, of course...no one wants to feel like they are biting into a candle or potpourri...but my number one rule for fruit-flavored cookies, toaster pastries, cakes or candies is balance. And that is not easy to get right! Some candies have the barest perceptible hint of fruit, suggesting that the confectioners are worried that you'll hate the full flavor. ("You want the fruit? You can't handle the fruit!") Yet others err on the side of excess, hitting you smack in the nose with an intense smell before you even take a bite...which then assaults your tastebuds with an overpowering of artificial flavoring. (Strawberry, by the way, seems to be the fruit flavor that goes wrong most often.)

I'm happy to say that in this case Kit Kat got the balance just right! The aroma is light and not overwhelming. The taste appears to be spread evenly throughout the coating, wafer and creme filling. These taste like blueberry alright, but not like the artificial flavor of Boo Berry cereal. Don't be fooled by the purple-colored coating, which may suggest a too-sweet candy--these Kit Kats taste lighter, somehow, perhaps not even as strong as a blueberry pie but more like a...a...blueberry muffin. Hmmm...

It's too early to tell if these will catch on, but they were certainly the focus of a huge display when I visited Las Vegas this summer (attracting much more attention than I've seen given to other flavors). If blueberry isn't your thing, nothing I can say will convince you otherwise, but I am hoping that this Kit Kat flavor breaks through and becomes a mainstay. I loved them! 

RATING: 5/5 

 

 

     

REESE'S POTATO CHIPS BIG CUP

Back in the early days of microwaving popcorn before microwaves came with a "popcorn" button (yes, I am that old), I was often disappointed at the number of un-popped kernels left at the bottom of the bag. So, one day, I took it upon myself to throw the bag back into the microwave after it completed its first cycle. Unfortunately, during the second time through not only did the un-popped kernels remain un-popped but those kernels which had popped the first time now started burning. In mere seconds, the wonderful aroma of fresh popcorn was replaced by the acrid smell of smoke. The moral of that story? When you already have something that's good, you should leave it the hell alone!

Unfortunately, this is a lesson which Reese's has not learned... 

Now, admittedly, I do feel a little sorry for them because they hit it out of the park on their first attempt. On that fateful day when someone got their peanut butter on someone else's chocolate, and that other person got their chocolate in someone else's peanut butter, a very magical thing was created. We are all the better for it as life would not be the same without Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. So, where does one go from that zenith of success? Do you retire, knowing you'll never surpass the heavenly combination of peanut butter and chocolate? Or do you stupidly try to combine the flavor with something else?

Look, as great as peanut butter and chocolate are as a couple, I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of a threesome (although it is generally a better idea in theory than in practice). Peanut butter and chocolate dipped pretzels are wonderful, for example. Peanut butter, chocolate and caramel works (just ask Twix). Vanilla ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate? You had me at ice cream! Peanut butter, chocolate and actual peanuts? Fine. But...potato chips? Seriously?!?

No offense to any of you who might find that combination pleasurable...my wife, after all, drops Rollo candies into popcorn and she is on to something...but this is probably one of the worst things you can do to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. For shame! The only thing that saves this concoction from being awarded my lowest score is the fact that the actual potato chip pieces inside the peanut butter filling are so small that they don't provide much texture and add only a slightly salty flavor. In fact, I'm sure that the reason they were added only to the "Big Cup" is that in a regular-sized Reese's Peanut Butter Cup you probably wouldn't notice them at all. But that's not much of a compliment ("Don't worry! The thing we added as a gimmick is barely noticeable!") and it is also no excuse for ruining the already-perfect unity of chocolate and peanut butter.

RATING: 2 / 5

 

  

NEW "BREAKFAST" POP TARTS FOR 2022

 

PopTarts are surpassing both Oreos and Twinkies as the "junk food" most likely to regularly release strange new flavors. And unlike new Twinkies, which usually show up around a specific holiday, Kellogg's tends to release new PopTarts all year long...with several flavors at once!

Here's my impressions of the new 2022 releases...

KELLOGG'S EGGO:

Continuing their trend of creating a toaster pastry based upon their other products (Froot Loops, Apple Jacks), Kellogg's is now offering up an Eggo (waffle) flavored PopTart. Now, just wrap your head around that for a moment: Kellogg's is trying to replicate the taste of a quick "breakfast" food you drop into the toaster in the form of a different "breakfast" food you drop in the toaster. I'm really not sure what audience this is intended for. If you are a healthy eater who doesn't have Eggos in your freezer, you aren't likely to buy PopTarts any time soon (and vice-versa). But, setting that aside for the moment, how does it taste?

In a word...not very good! Once again, as with all of the other junk food confectioners, Kellogg's equates maple with waffles. And, yes, like many people I do use maple syrup on my Eggos...although I'm not above a good boysenberry syrup from time to time...but that's not the only taste associated with waffles and pancakes. Even the "wafflesque" cross-hatched pattern on the icing isn't going to fool anyone. This PopTart tastes like smoky maple and not a waffle. 

RATING: 2 / 5

- - -

FROSTED APPLE FRITTER:

Okay, so at least this second PopTart flavor had promise. An apple fritter is a delicious morning treat, as are apple cider donuts, so why not an apple fritter PopTart? 

In this case, the problem isn't so much the flavor as the texture. A "fritter" isn't a taste anyway, but the type of snack--fried dough, which gives a satisfying crunch that PopTarts sadly lack. So, yeah, you could fill the toaster pastry with cinnamon apple flavoring and it tastes pretty good. Especially heated up. But does it taste like an apple fritter? Not at all. It doesn't even taste as good as Pillsbury's competing Apple (or Cinnamon) Toaster Strudel.

RATING: 3 / 5

- - -

BOSTON CREME DONUT:

Okay, now this is interesting. Why is this PopTart is specifically named "donut" and not "pie." I would expect that Kellogg's would have preferred to be associated with a classier dessert. Does a Boston Creme Donut taste all that different than a Boston Creme Pie? (Note that Kellogg's cannot use the word "cream"). And, by the way, a Boston Cream Pie isn't even a pie in the first place, it's a cake! Not just any cake, but the official dessert of Massachusetts since 1996...a little late, considering that it was first created about 140 years earlier.

But I digress...

For those of you who might not be familiar with desserts, the Boston Cream Pie (cake) consists of chocolate fondant covering two layers of sponge cake filled with custard. And the Boston Cream Donut consists of chocolate frosting over a custard-filled raised (not cake) donut. What's not to love? 

And the PopTart? Well, it can't offer either a cake or a raised donut...just the dry, enriched flour toaster pastry. But since PopTarts typically have frosting and filling, how hard would it be to replicate the chocolate frosting and custard filling? Harder than I imagined, apparently! The chocolate frosting is not thick or rich enough and the filling is not only too thin (compared to a Boston Cream anything) but it also tastes nothing like custard. I have no idea what it is, to be honest.

The result is quite disappointing to anyone who thought they could get a Boston Cream fix in their supermarket's PopTart aisle rather than having to head over to the bakery section.

RATING: 2 / 5 

 

 

BIRTHDAY CAKE KIT KAT

                

The second of the three recent "Limited Edition" Kit Kats is the last one I plan on reviewing because, let's face it, between Apple Pie, Birthday Cake and Mint Chocolate, one of those flavors isn't very interesting.  And since I pride myself on daring to try things that most of you are (wisely) probably not going to bother with...such Swedish Fish Oreos and Thanksgiving Dinner Candy Corn...why waste space talking about a flavor we already know and love?

So...birthday cake.  For me, that's a flavor close behind pumpkin spice when it comes to irritating food trends of the past several years.  At least most people can get an idea of what pumpkin spice tastes like from the name alone, even though there is no such thing as pumpkin spice.  But before they started using "birthday cake" to describe a very sugary vanilla taste, it could have meant anything!  In fact, I'd guess that a lot of people's birthday cakes were chocolate.  Or marble.  Or strawberry.

Nowadays birthday cake just means vanilla.  A very sweet vanilla.  A very sweet, sugary vanilla with rainbow-colored sprinkles.  And there's nothing wrong with that flavor, even if I think the name is misplaced.

If you are used to the chocolate covered crisp wafers of a standard Kit Kat, this flavor (as with Applie Pie) will come as a big shock to the system.  But whereas Apple Pie tasted more like a scented candle, Birthday Cake Kit Kats taste much like another famous snack.  Does anyone remember circus cookies?  They were coated with a too-sweet pink and white frosting, with rainbow sprinkles, but still had a satisfying crunch underneath.  Now, the Kit Kat doesn't exactly have as much of a crunch as the circus cookies did, but the taste is remarkably similar.    

In the end, I'm going with an average score for this one.  It is far to sweet to enjoy, but a piece here or there (frozen, especially) might do the trick if you are a fan of vanilla...I mean, birthday cake...and/or circus cookies that won't turn your teeth and tongue pink.

RATING:        3 / 5

  

 

APPLE PIE KIT KAT

Of all the junk food I review, Kit Kat has the widest variety of flavors...yes, even more than Oreo or Pop Tarts.  Unfortunately, the vast majority of these varieties are never seen outside of Japan, so your only hope of trying one is to find them at World Market (or pester a co-worker to bring them back the next time he travels to Tokyo, as I used to do!).

So while the Japanese have their Green Tea, Edamame and Soy Sauce Kit Kats, Americans are stuck with milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate.  Fortunately, every now and then the powers that be at Nestle decide to throw us a bone and release a limited edition flavor on these shores.  None of them end up becoming permanent flavors, though, no matter how seemingly innocuous they might be...such as mint (dark chocolate), orange or strawberry (both white chocolate).  

I doubt that the limited edition Apple Pie Kit Kat is in any danger of becoming a permanent flavor here, however.  I do like the bright yellow wrapper (as opposed to the standard red), the apple scent and the very first bite...but that's where my likes end.

The Apple Pie flavor showed promise, because the heart of a Kit Kat is a crispy wafer which could at least potentially mimic the crust of a pie.  But it doesn't seem that the wafer tastes any different than usual--instead, the waxy white chocolate coating is the source of the flavor.  And while at least they didn't make the mistake of using milk or dark chocolate, the apple flavoring just doesn't go very well with white chocolate.  If eating the Dove White Chocolate Caramel Apple candy from last fall was akin to chewing on an apple-scented candle, eating this Apple Pie Kit Kat is akin to munching on potpourri...inside of apple-scented candle.

It seems to me that Nestle, as with a lot of manufacturers of irresponsible calorie junk foods, are only focused on the new flavor they plan to introduce...without ever considering if that flavor works well with the texture of the underlying product.  And that really does make a difference.  Licorice, for example, might be great as a stand-alone candy (or even an ice cream, in small doses), but would it work as an Oreo cookie?  Or as a Twinkie?  Not at all.  When the texture works, as with the apple pie Oreo cookie, the artificial flavor gets more of a free pass.  When it doesn't, as with this Kit Kat, it only draws more attention to how artificial the flavor really is. 

RATING:   2 / 5

HOSTESS S'MORES CUPCAKES

It really seems as though Hostess isn't trying very hard these days.  A lot of their "limited edition" snacks are the same year after year, and even when they dare to try something new, they don't seem to give it their best effort.  It's almost as if someone in their lab realizes at the last possible moment that a coffee-flavored Twinkie might actually taste terrible, so they give the order to "water it down" and make it taste mostly like a regular Twinkie with only the slightest possible hint of coffee.

Unfortunately, the S'mores Cupcakes are more of the same.  

As the name would suggest, these cupcakes attempt to mimic the flavor of that classic campfire treat consisting of Graham crackers, Hershey chocolate bars and toasted marshmallows.  Three ingredients seems like a lot bar to me, but Hostess only delivers on one of the three--the chocolate, which is the easiest to duplicate.  Hostess already has chocolate cupcakes and yellow cupcakes both with chocolate frosting, so it isn't as if they had to re-tool the factory on this one.

The cake isn't the same as their standard yellow cupcake...at least, not visually.  It's tan colored, looking very much like a spice flavor (which they've done before).  Taste-wise?  If you close your eyes, you'll think you are eating the regular regular golden cupcakes.  Perhaps a Graham cracker-flavored cake would have been too difficult, but why couldn't they have just diluted their pumpkin spice cake?  At least it would have been the same color, and within the "realm" of flavor.  But, no...strike one.

Finally, we have the cream...sorry, creme..filling.  A truly wasted opportunity, as it's just the standard cupcake creme filling.  Why didn't they partner with Smuckers or Kraft or someone else to use marshmallow topping as the center of these cupcakes?  Just the slightest marshmallow flavor or the smallest change in consistency would have satisfied me, but no.  So, strike two.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a S'mores without a marshmallow or a Graham cracker is just...chocolate, right?  These cupcakes taste identical to the golden cupcakes already on the store shelves which is fine, since I like those, but I call "false advertising" as they taste nothing like the name promises.

Oh, and by the way, these S'mores cupcakes are a Wal-Mart exclusive.  Wal-Mart has become my newest go-to for a lot of odd junk food varieties which cannot be found anywhere else, but I think that has less to do with the idea of Wal-Mart being a great place for "limited editions" and more with Wal-Mart being a great place to dump failed products that no one wants.

RATING:    3 / 5

(as a Golden cupcake. As as S'mores cupcake, it's more like 1/3!)