CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER PIE OREO

Long-time Irresponsible Calories readers will know that I'm not much of a pie person. Oh, sure, I'll indulge in a slice of apple or pumpkin during the fall season...and as a child I had a love of Hostess Lemon Pies, which turned out to be made primarily of beef fat...but I'll take a slice of cake over pie any day.
I also prefer fruit pies over non-fruit pies, so if I'm going to eat an Oreo based upon a pie flavor, I'd prefer Key Lime or Blueberry (both of which I previously reviewed, and both of which were quite good).
That said, how can you go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter? These are the Alpha and Omega of dessert ingredients, and are the basic building blocks of my favorite candy (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups). So, why not?
This Oreo is made with a graham-flavored cookie, so props for not using the traditional chocolate or vanilla wafers. The creme filling is roughly half peanut butter and half chocolate...actually, half brown and half black, since the majority of it does not consist of natural ingredients. Unfortunately, the chocolate was completely overpowered by the peanut butter flavor.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, because the peanut butter flavor is good. But we already have Nutter Butter cookies, which these Oreos reminded me a lot of. If you were expecting more of a mix of chocolate and peanut butter, you are bound to be disappointed, and you might want to stick with the peanut butter Oreos. At least the chocolate cookie on those gives them a mix of flavor.

RATING: 3 / 5

COTTON CANDY TWINKIES

After a lengthy hiatus from this page, I decided that I had better return with something out of the ordinary. But then I realized--all of these things are out of the ordinary. That's why I am writing about them!

So, here's another new variation of a classic "snack" that continues the trend of combining one junk food with another. And, unless your mother packed your lunch while you lived with the circus, it is a combination you probably never imagined: cotton candy and Twinkies.

Twinkies, of course, are a classic sponge cake with vanilla-flavored creamy filling. One Twinkie contains 19 grams of sugar--just one gram less than the recommended *daily* allowance for women. And Hostess has decided to combine this with a confection that consists of spun sugar...well, the taste of it, anyway.

And that's where this combination falls apart. Unless it is intentionally flavored, cotton candy doesn't really taste like anything other than slightly caramelized sugar. (By the way, did you know cotton candy, originally named "fairy floss," was invented by a dentist? Isn't that like a heart surgeon inventing deep fat fried mozzarella cheese sticks? But I digress...)

The main reason that I enjoy the occasional new Twinkie flavor is because the cake on its own is rather plain. Cover it with chocolate, add peppermint sticks in the cake, or fill it with strawberry, banana or key lime cream and the plain cake becomes more interesting. But add filling which tastes vaguely like burnt sugar, and you've got a Twinkie which just tastes slightly "off" from the plain ol' Twinkie you might remember. Without the pink coloring, or the circus tents on the box, you might just think that the factory let the creamy filling sit in the kettle too long.

Considering the circus theme, I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Compared to a pink popcorn Twinkie or a marshmallow circus "peanut" Twinkie, a cotton candy one is relatively benign. But that still doesn't make it a good idea...

RATING: 2 / 5

MY OREO CREATIONS 2018

At long last, I have tracked down and consumed all of the 2018 "My Oreo Creation" entries: Pina Colada Oreo Thins, Kettle Corn Oreos, and Cherry Cola Oreos.

I'd like to think that Nabisco settled on these three flavors the same way a corrupt beauty pageant official might have selected the finalists for "Miss Tuolumne County 1957," including an entrant that is average-looking, an entrant that is downright ugly, and an entrant who looks a lot better next to the other two.  (Oh, and that last one is the official's niece, of course!)

Similarly, there is no real contest here.

Let's start with the clear loser, which in this case is Cherry Cola.  Opening the package does provide a whiff of cherry cola scented goodness in the same way that putting on cherry cola lip balm does...and, as with lip balm, that's where the fun ends.  You definitely don't want to eat these!  Yes, Nabisco added popping candy in the creme in an attempt to simulate a soda, but they also encased that cherry creme in their traditional faux chocolate cookie wafer.  Not a good match!

Next up we have the average entrant, Kettle Corn.  I love popcorn, but I don't understand why anyone would bother with popcorn-flavored snacks when they can have the real thing just as easily.  That's why popcorn Jelly Bellies have never been among my favorites, although I have a lot of friends who swear by them.  The good news and bad news is that these Oreos don't taste like popcorn at all.  There is no hint of butter, only the scent of maple which is supposed to remind you of the caramel popcorn topping, I guess, but instead reminded me of the pancake or waffle-flavored Oreos.  They are a little too sweet, but not bad overall.  But, again, they aren't reminiscent of popcorn...despite Nabisco adding puffed millet to the creme (?).

Last, but not least, is the clear winner among this trio: Pina Colada.  Had you asked me in advance, I would not have expected this result, but that's because I had the taste of the libation and not a cookie in mind.  I braced myself for a strong coconut and pineapple flavor, half expecting shards of real coconut in the creme (Why not? The other two had puffed millet and popping candy!).  Instead, what I got was a very slight pineapple flavor that blended just fine with the golden cookie.  I think Nabisco had the right idea making these "Thins" instead of their regular size cookie, because twice the amount of creme might have been overpowering.  While I wouldn't recommend dipping this one in milk any time soon, it might be a good snack to have while sipping a pina colada or a blue Hawaiian.

If you want to participate in the contest, visit the following URL to vote for your favorite:
https://mondelez.promo.eprize.com/myoreocreation/


CHERRY COLA
RATING     2 / 5

KETTLE CORN
RATING    3 / 5

PINA COLADA
RATING    4 / 5

HOSTESS BAKERY PETITES

Having grown up on Hostess, Svenhard's and Dolly Madison, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that there were places known as bakeries that actually made fresh pastries, muffins, cookies and cakes that didn't come individually wrapped 8-10 in a box.  Of course, nothing could beat my mom's homemade treats from the Betty Crocker cooky book (and yes, that's how they spelled it!), but you have to admit that pre-packaged goods are much more convenient.

Well, hold onto your cake pops and donut holes, because Hostess seems to be trying to go the other way with a new line of snacks called "bakery petites."  I spotted at least three different types--cake delights, brownie delights, and crispi thins--each with at least two flavor varieties.  Right away, you'll notice that the package is a lot "classier" and more subdued than the usual Ho Ho, Twinkie or Ding Dong boxes.  Not to mention that the snacks aren't given such childish names such as Ho Hos, Twinkies and Ding Dongs.

The packaging also calls out the fact that these snacks are made with "REAL VANILLA," as well as without artificial flavors and colors or high fructose corn syrup.  But, frankly, if you are picking up a Hostess package in the first place, chances are you aren't exactly worried about ingredients.  The only important question is...how do they taste?

Well, first let's start with how they look...

I'd daresay that if you were to empty the contents of the bag onto a plate or a serving dish (classy!), people just might be fooled into thinking that you picked these up at an actual bakery.  Heck, if you want to go crazy, shove a few popsicle sticks into 'em and call them cake pops.  Maybe no one will notice the difference.  At least, until they eat them.

See, the thing is, even if I have no idea what Hostess used as a preservative, my taste buds told me immediately that these things aren't freshly-made.  They taste rather like any other Hostess snacks, actually.  The outside coating is a bit waxy, and cracks easily, and the inside isn't much different than a Twinkie or cupcake with creme filling...despite the "higher end" ingredients.

Personally, I'm fond of Hostess snack cakes, and so I was fond of these as well.  I especially liked the bite size portions that makes me feel like I'm making a better choice than if I were to stuff an entire Ding Dong in my mouth.  Wait...that didn't sound right! (See what I mean about childish names?)  If you are already a fan of Hostess, these will probably be a welcome addition.

RATING: 4 / 5 





 

SMASH CRISPY CINNAMON CHURRO

Never let it be said that I'm a junk food snob...

You've probably noticed that I tend to focus on products from Hostess, Nabisco, Hershey, M&M and Kellogg's.  Simply put, they are easier to find in the stores, and a majority of people are already familiar with their offerings--Twinkies, Oreos, Pop Tarts, etc.  But that doesn't mean there aren't smaller independent companies out there putting out snack foods that could be worthy of your attention.

To be honest, marshmallows are one of the few sugary treats that I don't eat on a semi-regular basis.  While they may be fine as a topping for the occasional cup of hot chocolate, or as part of S'mores, or the "glue" that holds Rice Krispie treats together, I don't think I've eaten them right out of the bag since I was a Cub Scout.  So, when I spotted "Smashmallows" on stores shelves not long ago, not even unique flavors such as root beer float, coconut pineapple or Meyer lemon poppy seed could get me to take the bait.  But now the company has released their version of a rice cereal treat, and one of the available flavors is cinnamon churro.  I definitely could not let that one go by without a taste.

I've been known to survive for days in Disneyland eating nothing but churros.  When made properly...warm, crispy on the outside but soft inside, just enough cinnamon and sugar...they are one of my favorite snacks on this planet. 

Unfortunately, Smash Crispy Cinnamon Churro does not bring to mind churros in any way.  It is basically the answer to the question "What if I sprinkled cinnamon sugar on my rice krispie treat?"  And the answer is, unsurprisingly, "You've got a slightly cinnamon-flavored rice krispie treat."  They are tasty enough, and the company does use more natural ingredients--tapioca syrup, organic cane sugar, sea salt, sustainable palm oil--but at the end of the day, they aren't anything special.  Not to mention the fact that even the laziest among us could make them ourselves quite easily...as every family picnic desert table can attest to.

RATING: 3 / 5

STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE POP TARTS

"It's back!," says the banner on the front of the box.  While I am glad that the box uses the correct punctuation, I never knew that this flavor was gone in the first place.  So, it's hard to get excited over its proclamation.  Not to mention the fact that Pop Tarts already come in both frosted and un-frosted strawberry varieties.

Unfortunately, Strawberry Milkshake Pop Tarts are the perfect example of how to take an already unhealthy snack and make it seem even less healthy.  At least with the normal strawberry Pop Tarts you can pretend that the filling is equivalent to strawberry jam--which makes eating one only slightly different than eating toast or an English muffin with jam, right?  With the strawberry milkshake variety, there is no question that you are eating something bad for you.  The filling tastes more like Frankenberry cereal, Starburst candy, or any other artificially flavored food that is typically colored pink.  It's not inedible, but I definitely prefer the flavor of the regular strawberry Pop Tarts.

The box recommends that you freeze one and eat it cold.  Even if you are the sort of person who is willing to take directions from a box, in this case you should definitely not.  I did...strictly for research purposes, of course...and found that the filling took on the chewy consistency of taffy or gum.  Pop Tarts are supposed to be "toaster pastries" after all, and while it may be acceptable to eat one out of the box unheated if you are somewhere without a toaster or a microwave (such as while camping, in a dorm room, or at the movie theater), it is NEVER acceptable to eat them frozen.

There really isn't much else to say about this one.  With Pop Tarts, I've found that the traditional flavors--cherry, blueberry, strawberry, brown sugar and cinnamon--are the best.  Basically, every flavor that you would ever want to eat in a pie or a pastry seems to work.  Every now and then they will add worthwhile new flavors which seem obviously tasty (raspberry, s'mores, cookies & creme) or which end up being unexpectedly tasty (root beer, vanilla latte).  This one is not one of those.  It's too "fake tasting" for its own good and is probably better left for the kids...although, if you are an adult who is still eating Pop Tarts, you've probably gone too far to turn back now.

RATING:  2 / 5
 


 

NEAPOLITAN M&M's

Straight from a limited release only in Australia, Neapolitan M&M's have now appeared exclusively at Target Stores.

A quick history lesson: Neapolitan ice cream is, in fact, named after Naples, Italy, where it was thought to have originated.  Historically, the colors were green (pistachio), white (vanilla) and red (cherry) to match the colors of the Italian flag.  A variation of spumoni, the dessert was changed upon its introduction in American in the late 1800's to represent more common ice cream flavors--chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.  Interestingly enough, almost every picture I found shows vanilla in the middle, as if a referee trying to intercede in a fight between two stronger flavor boxers.

As I opened the bag, I was greeted with a sickeningly sweet smell that can only be described as the floor of a Baskin-Robbins 31 Flavors.  I did appreciate the fact that the candies came in three colors...pink, white, and brown...but my appreciation quickly faded when I realized that the colors did not have any bearing on the flavor.  No, instead, each candy piece contains all three flavors regardless of the color of the shell.

The packaging is misleading in this regard, as it shows a cutaway view of a pink-shelled candy that has a brown layer and a white center.  But guess what?  That's also what the center of the white and brown-shelled candies look like!  The white does not have brown and pink inside, and neither does the brown have pink and white inside.  Which causes me to wonder...where does the strawberry taste come from?  The shells appear to be flavorless, so I am guessing the strawberry is part of the white center.  It is quite the puzzle and deserves to be studied by scientists.  It does not, however, deserve to be eaten.

The best part of Neapolitan ice cream, assuming you serve yourself, is that you can decide the appropriate ratio of the three flavors (which, for me, would be lighter on the chocolate and heavier on the strawberry, with ample vanilla).  Here, you get all three in a mix of natural and artificial flavors that will stay with you a long time...no matter how many times you rinse with a glass of water.

Neapolitan M&M's are not the worst idea they've ever had (that would be candy corn M&M's...yuck!).  I think the idea might have worked if M&M had released a bag of strawberry, chocolate and vanilla M&M's which consumers could have mixed and matched to their liking.  But, unfortunately, that's not the case here.  These taste more like the melted blend at the bottom of the ice cream bowl...if that melted blend was devoid of any dairy products or natural flavors, that is!   

RATING: 2 / 5