LEMON BLUEBERRY CRUMBLE POP TARTS

Another year, another batch of new Pop Tart flavors! I know that supposedly the only certainties in life are death and taxes, but Pop Tarts are probably just behind those two. And despite the fact that they are probably the most unhealthy junk food ever created, we are apparently still eating them...ensuring that Kellogg's is going to keep on making them, some 60+ years after they were first invented.

Even so, I don't know why the company bothers creating new varieties. Of all the snacks out there, Pop Tarts has probably tried (and failed) the largest number of flavors and combinations--from vanilla latte, Eggo waffles, Boston creme donuts and maple bacon to A&W root beer, pumpkin pie and Apple Jacks and Froot Loops cereals. The nadir was the 2021 "Mystery Flavor" which turned out to be everything bagels (!). With 20-30 varieties in production at any time, why don't they stick with the core flavors (brown sugar cinnamon, strawberry and blueberry...frosted or unfrosted)? But, I suppose I should be thankful they don't, otherwise I'd have nothing to write about.

The latest flavor, Lemon Blueberry Crumble, doesn't specifically note that it is a "Limited Edition" on the packaging...so God help us if it joins the regular rotation! It certainly doesn't belong there. But even if it gets discontinued, as it should, don't worry--I'm sure you'll be able to find them in a dollar store somewhere for the foreseeable future. True, the label might say "Best By November 2025," but who are we kidding? These things are built to last.

As a fan of both lemon and blueberry snacks, you might think this new Pop Tart would be right up my alley. That's what I thought as well...until I tried them. Now I just think they belong in an alley.

Blueberry is my second favorite Pop Tarts flavor, right behind brown sugar cinnamon, but here they've somehow managed to mess it up. I don't taste any lemon whatsoever, by the way, but apparently Kellogg's snackologists were inspired by Bath & Body Works. This "lemon blueberry" tastes like the smell of a candle, soap or potpourri and leaves a nasty aftertaste. As for the crumble? Perhaps future scientists will extract the microscopic yellow bits from the frosted coating and, as with a mosquito in amber, discover the DNA of a cake crumble. But, whatever they turn out to be, they add absolutely nothing to the taste or to the texture of this Pop Tart.

If you like lemon and blueberry and are intrigued by the combination, you are better off buying those separate Pop Tart flavors, cutting one of each in half and melding them via the microwave oven. Otherwise, I'd definitely avoid these...unless you want to stick a wick in one and light it the next time you take a bath.  

RATING: 1 / 5

   

 

RICE KRISPIES TREATS PEEPS

Of all the fads I've witnessed in snacks and candies over the years, we are currently in the middle of one of the most inexplicable trends...the attempt to make one junk food taste like another. I don't mean combining two disparate flavors, like adding potato chips to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or finding a new form factor for an existing snack, such as Twinkie's cereal or Twinkie's drumsticks ice cream. Those at least make sense to me.

I'm talking about partnerships between two nearly identically-flavored junk foods which are direct competitors for our taste buds (and wallets). Exhibit A: "Funyuns-flavored Lays Wavy Potato Chips." Funyuns, if you aren't aware, are an onion-flavored chip-like snack that come in bags stocked on the store shelves immediately adjacent to Lays. If you are in the mood for an onion-flavored chip, why wouldn't you just buy Sour Cream and Onion Lays, Ruffles or Pringles? If you prefer the corn-meal based Funyuns, these are readily available. Why would you instead choose a potato chip that is trying to imitate your preferred snack?  

Now, before I go on, let me just say that the person who first had the epiphany to coat Rice Krispies cereal in butter and marshmallows deserves an honored place in the pantheon of American (nay, World!) history...right behind the two people that got their chocolate in the other's peanut butter and right ahead of the discovery of penicillin. But that doesn't mean we need to cheapen the beauty of Rice Krispie Treats by partnering them with...shudder...Peeps.

This is either the most brilliant examples of brand synergy I have ever seen, or one of the laziest...akin to announcing Hershey chocolate-flavored M&Ms. Peeps, which are nothing but sugar-coated marshmallows, are typically colored fluorescent pink and yellow for Easter and often released in different flavors such as chocolate, strawberry, caramel apple and pickle (!). For Rice Krispies Treats Peeps, we basically have an uncolored and unflavored Peep. In other words, a marshmallow!

Does it taste any better or worse than a regular Peep? No. Does it taste like a Rice Krispies Treat? Minus the cereal and the butter, I suppose so. (They might as well release Rice Krispies Treat-flavored Jet-Puffed marshmallows while they are at it...) Is there any reason to choose this junk food if Rice Krispies Treats are still being produced? Or as long as we have access to cereal, butter and marshmallows? None at all.  

RATING:    3 / 5