BIRTHDAY CAKE KIT KAT

                

The second of the three recent "Limited Edition" Kit Kats is the last one I plan on reviewing because, let's face it, between Apple Pie, Birthday Cake and Mint Chocolate, one of those flavors isn't very interesting.  And since I pride myself on daring to try things that most of you are (wisely) probably not going to bother with...such Swedish Fish Oreos and Thanksgiving Dinner Candy Corn...why waste space talking about a flavor we already know and love?

So...birthday cake.  For me, that's a flavor close behind pumpkin spice when it comes to irritating food trends of the past several years.  At least most people can get an idea of what pumpkin spice tastes like from the name alone, even though there is no such thing as pumpkin spice.  But before they started using "birthday cake" to describe a very sugary vanilla taste, it could have meant anything!  In fact, I'd guess that a lot of people's birthday cakes were chocolate.  Or marble.  Or strawberry.

Nowadays birthday cake just means vanilla.  A very sweet vanilla.  A very sweet, sugary vanilla with rainbow-colored sprinkles.  And there's nothing wrong with that flavor, even if I think the name is misplaced.

If you are used to the chocolate covered crisp wafers of a standard Kit Kat, this flavor (as with Applie Pie) will come as a big shock to the system.  But whereas Apple Pie tasted more like a scented candle, Birthday Cake Kit Kats taste much like another famous snack.  Does anyone remember circus cookies?  They were coated with a too-sweet pink and white frosting, with rainbow sprinkles, but still had a satisfying crunch underneath.  Now, the Kit Kat doesn't exactly have as much of a crunch as the circus cookies did, but the taste is remarkably similar.    

In the end, I'm going with an average score for this one.  It is far to sweet to enjoy, but a piece here or there (frozen, especially) might do the trick if you are a fan of vanilla...I mean, birthday cake...and/or circus cookies that won't turn your teeth and tongue pink.

RATING:        3 / 5

  

 

APPLE PIE KIT KAT

Of all the junk food I review, Kit Kat has the widest variety of flavors...yes, even more than Oreo or Pop Tarts.  Unfortunately, the vast majority of these varieties are never seen outside of Japan, so your only hope of trying one is to find them at World Market (or pester a co-worker to bring them back the next time he travels to Tokyo, as I used to do!).

So while the Japanese have their Green Tea, Edamame and Soy Sauce Kit Kats, Americans are stuck with milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate.  Fortunately, every now and then the powers that be at Nestle decide to throw us a bone and release a limited edition flavor on these shores.  None of them end up becoming permanent flavors, though, no matter how seemingly innocuous they might be...such as mint (dark chocolate), orange or strawberry (both white chocolate).  

I doubt that the limited edition Apple Pie Kit Kat is in any danger of becoming a permanent flavor here, however.  I do like the bright yellow wrapper (as opposed to the standard red), the apple scent and the very first bite...but that's where my likes end.

The Apple Pie flavor showed promise, because the heart of a Kit Kat is a crispy wafer which could at least potentially mimic the crust of a pie.  But it doesn't seem that the wafer tastes any different than usual--instead, the waxy white chocolate coating is the source of the flavor.  And while at least they didn't make the mistake of using milk or dark chocolate, the apple flavoring just doesn't go very well with white chocolate.  If eating the Dove White Chocolate Caramel Apple candy from last fall was akin to chewing on an apple-scented candle, eating this Apple Pie Kit Kat is akin to munching on potpourri...inside of apple-scented candle.

It seems to me that Nestle, as with a lot of manufacturers of irresponsible calorie junk foods, are only focused on the new flavor they plan to introduce...without ever considering if that flavor works well with the texture of the underlying product.  And that really does make a difference.  Licorice, for example, might be great as a stand-alone candy (or even an ice cream, in small doses), but would it work as an Oreo cookie?  Or as a Twinkie?  Not at all.  When the texture works, as with the apple pie Oreo cookie, the artificial flavor gets more of a free pass.  When it doesn't, as with this Kit Kat, it only draws more attention to how artificial the flavor really is. 

RATING:   2 / 5

HOSTESS S'MORES CUPCAKES

It really seems as though Hostess isn't trying very hard these days.  A lot of their "limited edition" snacks are the same year after year, and even when they dare to try something new, they don't seem to give it their best effort.  It's almost as if someone in their lab realizes at the last possible moment that a coffee-flavored Twinkie might actually taste terrible, so they give the order to "water it down" and make it taste mostly like a regular Twinkie with only the slightest possible hint of coffee.

Unfortunately, the S'mores Cupcakes are more of the same.  

As the name would suggest, these cupcakes attempt to mimic the flavor of that classic campfire treat consisting of Graham crackers, Hershey chocolate bars and toasted marshmallows.  Three ingredients seems like a lot bar to me, but Hostess only delivers on one of the three--the chocolate, which is the easiest to duplicate.  Hostess already has chocolate cupcakes and yellow cupcakes both with chocolate frosting, so it isn't as if they had to re-tool the factory on this one.

The cake isn't the same as their standard yellow cupcake...at least, not visually.  It's tan colored, looking very much like a spice flavor (which they've done before).  Taste-wise?  If you close your eyes, you'll think you are eating the regular regular golden cupcakes.  Perhaps a Graham cracker-flavored cake would have been too difficult, but why couldn't they have just diluted their pumpkin spice cake?  At least it would have been the same color, and within the "realm" of flavor.  But, no...strike one.

Finally, we have the cream...sorry, creme..filling.  A truly wasted opportunity, as it's just the standard cupcake creme filling.  Why didn't they partner with Smuckers or Kraft or someone else to use marshmallow topping as the center of these cupcakes?  Just the slightest marshmallow flavor or the smallest change in consistency would have satisfied me, but no.  So, strike two.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a S'mores without a marshmallow or a Graham cracker is just...chocolate, right?  These cupcakes taste identical to the golden cupcakes already on the store shelves which is fine, since I like those, but I call "false advertising" as they taste nothing like the name promises.

Oh, and by the way, these S'mores cupcakes are a Wal-Mart exclusive.  Wal-Mart has become my newest go-to for a lot of odd junk food varieties which cannot be found anywhere else, but I think that has less to do with the idea of Wal-Mart being a great place for "limited editions" and more with Wal-Mart being a great place to dump failed products that no one wants.

RATING:    3 / 5

(as a Golden cupcake. As as S'mores cupcake, it's more like 1/3!)

   

IT'S A DESSERT...NO, IT'S BREAKFAST!

In this time of "sheltering-in-place" and not going to the grocery store unless you absolutely need to replenish your necessities, you might think that junk food manufacturers would recognize the unique opportunity to put their equipment towards better use...such as creating N95 masks from Oreo cookies or something.  But, seeing as how pasta, poultry and Parmesan are scarce right now, perhaps your only possible choice is a Pop Tart.  So, even in the time of a pandemic, Irresponsible Calories is here for you! 

Continuing the ill-advised trend of making one junk food taste like another junk food, today I've got a snack based upon a cereal, and a cereal based upon a snack food...

FROOT LOOPS POP TARTS

Here's a pop quiz for those of you who have ever eaten a bowl of Froot Loops.  What fruit is the cereal supposed to taste like: cherry, lime, lemon, grape, or orange?  If you answered either "all of the above" or "none of the above," you are correct!  Despite what the colors would have you believe, the loops are not individually flavored.  Instead, they are all the same "amalgamation" of fruit flavoring.  And no fruit or fruit juice is involved, if you even had to ask.  (Hint: There's a reason they are legally required to use the word "f-r-o-o-t")  

Pop Tarts, by the way, aren't ones to brag either.  Their frosted strawberry pastries contain more salt than strawberries, for example.  So, perhaps this is a match made in heaven--two pseudo-fruit snacks joining forces.  And, since Kellogg's owns both brands, back in the 1980's you might even have called this an example of "synergy."  But I call it something else...awful!

It's not that this Pop Tart doesn't taste like Froot Loops.  Indeed, it tastes exactly like the cereal.  But that sickly-sweet imitation fruit flavor, while fine in limited doses as a crunchy cereal, does not work as the gooey filling of a warm, toaster pastry.

If you want a fruit-flavored Pop Tart, they've already got blueberry, strawberry, cherry and even apple.  All those are vastly superior to this imitation fruit flavor fusion.  After all, there's a reason that bakeries do not sell "fruit punch" (sorry, "froot punch") pies in the first place.

RATING:     2 / 5 

   

TWINKIES CEREAL

The first batch of Post cereals licensed from Hostess snack cakes included Frosted Donettes and Honey Buns, which made little sense as either are valid substitutes themselves for cereal in the first place.  But while donuts and cinnamon rolls are part of some American breakfasts, Twinkies are certainly not.  (At least, not in the narrow-minded place where I live...) 

So, where did this one go off the rails?

For starters, what do Twinkies taste like?  Nothing, really.  They are the Switzerland of desserts, a neutral cake that doesn't take sides one way or the other.  That's why Hostess makes chocolate or mint flavored cakes, or fills them with strawberry or lime creme--to add flavor.  I suppose they might taste slightly like vanilla or slightly like Styrofoam depending upon the sophistication of your palate, but the operative word here is bland.  (So, maybe not Switzerland, but Denmark...)

We've already got plenty of bland cereals (plain Cheerios, Rice Chex, corn flakes), so Post apparently decided to forego the cereal route altogether.  Unlike every other cereal in my cupboard, corn, wheat, oats or even rice are not the first ingredient.  Or the second ingredient.  No, here, corn flour is third (behind dextrose and sugar), with wheat flour coming in fifth (behind hydrogenated vegetable oil).  Somehow, Post has managed to achieve the impossible...making a cereal that is even less healthy for you than a Twinkie.  At least Twinkies are made of wheat flour and water before sugar!

But you aren't here to eat healthy, so how does it taste?  Well, do you remember those pink and white animal circus cookies?  They taste sort of like those...except with the chalky texture of what can only be described as powdered sugar packing pellets.  In other words, weird.  But, in some respects, I thought they were okay as a snack in small doses...albeit one that will instantly spike your blood sugar.  They aren't recommended in a bowl of milk, though.  And while I was briefly tempted to give them a "3" rating (not good, but not good), my family questioned my sanity enough for me to reconsider.

The moral of this story is, if you want to eat a sponge cake for breakfast instead of a pancake, you would be much better off simply grabbing a Twinkie than a cereal that purports to bring the "creamy, cakey, golden goodness" to your breakfast table.  It is golden, alright, but did you really want a cereal to be creamy and cakey anyway?  I think not!  

RATING:     2 / 5

FALL 2019 ROUND-UP

(Before I can get to the new Christmas/Winter treats, I need to clear out a backlog of unreviewed snacks from October and November...)

Fall is quickly surpassing Winter as the season that confectioners and makers of "irresponsible calorie" foods are more likely to introduce new creations in an attempt to capitalize on holiday spirit and/or reckless disregard for taste.  And, as has been the case for many years, pumpkin spice is usually the top culprit, followed closely by apple.  Both of these flavors can be pleasant...or both can go very wrong!

DOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE CARAMEL APPLE

As a married man, I can admit to having entered the Bath & Body Works retailer on more than a few occasions looking for replacement kitchen and bath soaps or candles.  Upon entering , my nose is immediately assaulted with a wide variety of scents which are not normally found together in nature.  Thankfully, after a few minutes, my nose shuts itself off in an act of self-preservation (although remaining in low power mode long enough to sniff out the least offensive blends when my wife asks me what I can stand to live with.)

In all my years of sniffing candles and soap, and even potpourri and air fresheners, I never once wondered what it would be like to eat one.  Well, thanks to Dove, now I know!

I do like white chocolate (although I prefer Dove's dark chocolate).  And I also like caramel, apples, and caramel apples.  I even like graham crackers.  On paper, combining these tastes doesn't sound like a bad idea.  Unfortunately, this idea made it off the paper and into manufacturing.  (If Dove has any product testers, they ought to all be fired over this concoction!)

If the overpowering apple smell doesn't immediately scare you away, as soon as you put one of these pieces in your mouth, the odd texture and awful taste will leave you gagging.  Avoid at all costs unless you want to use them as punishment for your kids when you threaten to "wash their mouths out with soap."  They'll probably prefer the soap...

RATING:   1 / 5    

MAPLE CREME OREO

These cookies are really a no-brainer, even if you don't come from the Great White North.

I have had better, though...usually in the form of maple-leaf shaped cookies that you can find under a generic grocery store label.  The store cookie itself is usually more tasty and substantial than the Golden Oreo in this version.  Still, the Golden Oreo cookie tastes good with the maple creme, which itself is not overpowering or too sweet.  Considering that Nabisco might have gone with the standard chocolate Oreo cookie or the graham Oreo cookie, I suppose we should count our blessings.

If you aren't a fan of maple cookies, or maple in general, this Oreo isn't going to change your mind.  But if you are looking for a fun fall flavor, this fits the bill.

RATING:  4 / 5

FROSTED PUMPKIN PIE POP TARTS

I really should have known better...

Of all the junk foods that I regularly sample for this blog, the Pop Tarts seem to be more miss than hit.  Sure, Oreo will come out with an abomination like the Swedish Fish, but then they'll give us Apple Pie or Cookie Butter.  I'm not sure if it is because Pop Tarts are all enclosed in the same "crust" or if they are limited due to the thin layer of filling, but I've definitely eaten more than my share of disgusting flavors.

I was initially impressed that they didn't call this Pop Tart a "Pumpkin Spice" flavor (as Hostess and Oreo always do with their snacks), because as you've heard me complain in the past, there's no such thing!  "Pumpkin" spice consists of ground cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves (and perhaps allspice).  There's no pumpkin or other squash involved! 

When I tried the first one of these Pop Tarts, I thought I tasted cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  Sure enough, all of these were listed ingredients!  (Far, far behind sugar and fructose corn syrup but still...).  Sadly, that wore off quickly.  The more I ate, the less it tasted like "pumpkin spice" and the more it tasked like pumpkin.  Or squash.  The fact that the filling is the color and texture of the baby food I used to feed my kids didn't do it any favors. 

Warming them up definitely improved the taste, but no matter how many I tried, they always started off pretty good but ended up disappointing.  (Sort of like my high school dances...)  If only the "spice" part had managed to hold its own and not be overcome by the "pumpkin" part, I might have even liked them.   

RATING:  3 (briefly) but then 2 / 5

HERSHEY GOLD KISSES

One of my favorite discoveries since starting this "junk food" blog a few years ago has been the Hershey Gold candy bar.  It isn't often that Hershey releases a full-sized bar under the Hershey name, and this was the first to not contain any chocolate at all. 

If you missed my review and haven't tried this candy yet, a Hershey Gold is a caramelized "creme" bar containing tiny bits of pretzels and peanuts.  Even though it took me a while to come around to the "salty and sweet" combination that arose over the past decade or so ("sea salt and caramel" in chocolate was not an option when I was a kid), I loved Hershey Gold immediately.  I was extremely relieved to learn that, unlike the last odd "gold" junk food I liked (7-Up Gold...look it up!), this one has lasted more than a few months and has clearly made it past the introductory stage.  So, apparently I, and my former office mates, are not the only ones eating them.

I must therefore apologize for being remiss in not reviewing the "Kisses" version of the candy when I first heard it had been released.  To be honest, I wasn't planning to write about them at all, figuring that (as with all the other "Kisses"), they were just smaller, "drop" versions of the same Hershey Gold candy bars I knew and loved.  But, unfortunately, I was wrong! (cue sinister music.)

The first clue I had that something was amiss came when I opened the bag and got a whiff of the smell of caramel popcorn.  Well, perhaps not quite caramel popcorn, but definitely a strong caramel smell, and certainly sweeter than the smell you would get from simply melting down Kraft caramel squares before dripping them onto an apple.

(Since I specifically called out the "first" clue, you are probably expecting a "second" clue.  But, to be honest, there wasn't really a second clue.  I just put one in my mouth and realized that it wasn't the same.  I suppose if I had read the bag more carefully, that could have been the second clue, but then again, it would have been more of the solution than a "clue."  If you can see the bag in the picture, you'll notice it says only "pretzel bites."  Yes, that's right, one essential ingredient was left out--the peanut bits!)

I'm not sure why Hershey omitted the peanuts.  Perhaps they couldn't get a consistent "drop" shape with both pretzel and peanut chunks in the mix?  But I definitely think using the Hershey Gold name in this case is misleading.  Hershey Gold bars have three ingredients--peanuts, pretzels, and caramelized creme.   The kisses have only two of these ingredients!  You wouldn't call chocolate and vanilla ice cream "Neapolitan" would you?  Would you?!?

In the end, I decided not to deduct a point from the review score to account for Hershey's treachery, although I was sorely tempted.  The candy is sweet and salty, but definitely more sweet than salty, and not what I was hoping for.  But it is a good candy, and a welcome variant of the kisses which are chocolate-based.  If you like them, you will probably like the full bar a little better.

RATING:    4 / 5 

POST DONETTES CEREAL

Long the red-headed stepchild to Kellogg's and General Mills...or, maybe more appropriately, the RC Cola to Coke and Pepsi...the Post cereal company is apparently trying to gain attention by teaming up with some extremely unlikely partners.

Aside from the Fruity Pebbles brand and the classic Honey Comb, most of the current Post Cereal products are of the more "healthy" variety (Grape Nuts, Great Grains, and Honey Bunches of Oats, for example).  Still, in recent years, Post has introduced a few cereals based upon cookies such as Chips Ahoy, Oreos, Nutter Butter, and 'Nilla Wafers.  But now they've gone "all-in" on the concept of junk food and cereal synergy.

Post recently released three new cereals which will certainly catch your eye: Hostess Honeybuns, Hostess Donettes, and Sour Patch Kids.  As much as I pride myself on sampling odd combinations, even I have to work myself up to eat a cereal based upon a sour candy, so I started with the most innocuous one I could find: Hostess Donettes.

Truth be told, I've eaten many a donette in my day, although I prefer the full-sized assorted pack of Hostess donuts.  You know the ones--where everyone eats the chocolate-covered and powdered ones first, leaving you to scrape the bottom of the box with the plain donut in an attempt to collect whatever powder or chocolate crumbs remain.  The mini-donettes are a guilty pleasure despite being so dry that they are almost inedible without a glass of water or milk nearby.  But a cereal based on a powdered processed donut?  Hmm...

From the picture on the box, I was expecting the taste of Frosted Cheerios.  Which, while not my preferred flavor of Cheerios (Honey Nut) are not bad at all.  But Post Donettes cereal didn't taste like Frosted Cheerios at all...for better or worse.  It definitely lacked the crunch of a Cheerio, and for good reason.  Where the first ingredient of a Cheerio is whole grain oats, Donettes cereal goes straight to the dextrose and sugar before getting around to the corn flour.   (That's not even a donette ingredient, by the way, as Hostess starts with wheat flour.)

The end result is something that doesn't have the taste or consistency of a crunchy frosted oat cereal, but more like a Froot Loop (which is a sugar and corn flour blend)--if you took out the imitation fruit flavor and substituted mild vanilla flavoring.  Surprisingly, it is somewhat better than it sounds, but ultimately not that great.  If the name piques your curiosity as it did mine, you would be better off grabbing a bag of the actual powdered donettes and dunking them in a glass of milk.

RATING:     2 / 5