BUTTERBEER: HERSHEY KISSES AND SKINNY POP POPCORN

 

I'm not sure why a bevvy of Harry Potter-themed junk food appeared in stores last month as there was nothing else tied in with it. The last book was published 18 years ago. The last film was released almost 14 years ago. "Cursed Child" opened in London 9 years ago and the HBO television series won't be out for another year. Maybe J.K. Rowling needed to renovate her estate or something?

Before I share my opinion on two of these snacks, I must admit up front that I've always hated the name "butterbeer." At least ginger ale and root beer originally involved fermentation, even though the modern versions have no alcohol. But we've already got a word to describe this same flavor--Butterscotch! Which has nothing to do with Scotch, by the way, but may have derived from "scortch" as a reference to boiling the brown sugar and butter together. Caramel, on the other hand, is made from white (not brown) sugar. And Butter Rum Life Savers, which taste like butterscotch but with a hint of rum flavor, were introduced in 1938 to mimic hot buttered rum without the alcohol...or the hot. (I should call this section "The More You Know..." but that name is already taken, and I don't think you really want to know more about anything I review in this blog or you wouldn't dare eat any of it!)   

 

In summary, Butterbeer is a made-up name that has nothing to do with beer describing a taste that has nothing to do with Scotch...but, dang, I do love it!

HERSHEY KISSES

I'll start with the Hershey's Kisses first. I still haven't quite recovered from all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Kisses I ate last month (which I rated a "5") but now here comes a second "5" in a row! As with those other Kisses, no chocolate is involved. These candies are described as "gold colored creme filled with butterbeer flavored creme"--perhaps the longest and most unhelpful candy description ever, especially if you're not a Harry Potter fan. If you love butterscotch, the taste of these will be familiar...but I wasn't quite expecting the texture (as I ate them before reading the bag description). I expected them to be as solid as their standard chocolate Kisses are--almost as if they just enlarged one of those Nestle butterscotch chips. But, instead, I was pleasantly surprised by the smooth creamy filling. Despite what the description says, the taste appears to come from both the interior and the exterior.

I couldn't think of anything disparaging to say about these candies! Perhaps the only "criticism"...and it is a stretch to call it that...has to do with the foil design. They come in three colors: tan, featuring a beer mug, a cauldron and (I guess) torches; blue, featuring a beer mug, candles, stars and (I guess) an owl icon; and red, featuring a beer mug, stars and (I guess) bubbles. Would it really have been so difficult to use the symbols for the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Invisibility Cloak? Geez! Talk about a missed opportunity! Not to mention when I first saw one of these outside the bag, the mug made me think it was beer flavored (like beer Jelly Bellies). Fortunately, the butterscotch smell is unmistakably strong...strong enough to permeate any container you keep them in, to be exact. A full-size butterbeer candy bar would likely be overwhelming, but these Kisses are perfect for a quick treat. 

RATING: 5 / 5

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SKINNY POP POPCORN

I wasn't quite sure what to make of these and I probably wouldn't have purchased them if it weren't for the 50% Sale rack at the back of the grocery store. Judging by the number of bags that were on that rack, I'm guessing they overestimated the demand for these by a factor of 10 or 20. Which also gave me pause...if they were good, they would be gone, right? But then I remembered my duty to you, dear readers, to boldly snack where no one...or at least, not many...have snacked before. 

The front of the bag promotes butterbeer-flavored kettle corn but the back of the bag states that it has a touch of "butterscotch" (Show me you're a Muggle without showing me you're a Muggle!). It also notes "brown butter and caramel" flavors. As a fan of butterscotch, buttery popcorn and caramel corn, all of that sounded good to me! And perhaps it might have been good had Skinny Pop actually gone with something that resembled caramel corn. But Skinny Pop doesn't make caramel corn--if it did, I suppose it would have to relinquish the name "Skinny." Instead, they make dusted popcorn and kettle corn. And this version tastes good as far as kettle corn goes, being slightly sweet, but it would be a stretch to describe the taste as butterscotch (or even caramel). If you really want butterbeer-flavored popcorn, your best bet is to melt a bag of the Hershey's Butterbeer Kisses over this. Hmm...that gives me an idea!

RATING: 3 / 5

HERSHEY CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH KISSES

Back in 2017, Hershey introduced its first new candy bar since the Cookies & Creme variety was released in 1995. The new bar was named Hershey Gold, and it contained no chocolate whatsoever but instead was a caramelized creme with peanuts and pretzels. It was delicious...one of the best junk foods I've ever reviewed...so, naturally, Hershey cancelled it in 2020. Had I known it was about to disappear, I would have stockpiled it in place of the water and canned meats in my earthquake survival kit.

While I am hoping we won't need to wait another twenty-two years before Hershey makes another attempt at a new candy bar, they at least seem to be going all out when it comes to their "Kisses" candies. In addition to seasonal varieties such as candy cane, cherry cordial and hot cocoa, I've seen pumpkin spice, strawberry ice cream cone and candy corn flavors (the latter having been discontinued about 14 years ago due to poor sales...imagine that!).

Their small size means that I rarely think of Hershey Kisses when looking for a chocolate fix, preferring something more substantial (like a Snickers). Or maybe I'm just too lazy to unwrap the minimum number of Kisses (20) needed to satisfy my snack craving. In fact, other than after finding them inside Easter eggs or Christmas stockings, I rarely eat them at all. With this new flavor, however, that may change...

I'm a big fan of cinnamon in general and Cinnamon Toast Crunch in particular (back when I ate cereal, that is). So I expected these to be right up my alley and they did not disappoint. Like Hershey Gold before them (which also came temporarily in a Kisses version), these new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Kisses are not chocolate at all but that same creme--except, instead of peanuts and pretzels, they contain what appear to be pieces of cereal. Not soggy cereal either, but pieces that provide a satisfying crunch. 

Thanks to the creme, the cinnamon flavor is more subdued that what you get from Hot Tamales,  cinnamon Red Hots candy or Big Red gum. Definitely not something that is too hot/spicy, but instead closer to a cinnamon roll. And all of this goodness is wrapped up in a red, green, purple and blue tinfoil that looks like something out of an Austin Powers movie--groovy! What's not to like? 

Well, actually, the one thing I didn't like was the smell. The open bag gave off the same sickly-sweet, pseudo-vanilla aroma you get from soaps, scratch-and-sniff stickers or air fresheners trying and failing to duplicate the smell of waffles. But unless you are a weirdo who needs to sniff your candy before eating it (or who writes a blog about the experience), you won't even notice. Instead, you'll find these Kisses to be sweet and satisfying...a great new flavor which I truly hope Hershey will consider releasing as a full-sized bar. Sure beats unwrapping 20 of these at a time... 

RATING:    5 / 5

HEB BISCUITS AND GRAVY POTATO CHIPS

During the past few years that I've been writing "junk food" reviews, I've focused on candy bars, snack cakes, toaster pastries and cereals...to name a few...but had never given serious thought to including chips (aka crisps, for those of you across the pond). It's not that I didn't consider potato chips to be part of the universe of irresponsible calories, but more that I didn't find them interesting enough to include.

Maybe this is because I grew up at a time when choices were limited--we had corn chips and potato chips, and they were either plain (salted), BBQ or Ranch-flavored. When we wanted to experience different flavors, that came from buying or creating or own dips...not from the chips themselves. Of course, we also had corn meal shaped like packing peanuts and covered with a florescent orange cheese-like substance that stained your fingers for hours (if not days), but the only true "advancement" in chips when I was a kid was the ability to buy them stacked in cans--the perfect shape for making duck lips! 

Since then, of course, we've seen the introduction of kettle chips, baked chips and "veggie straws" (the latter trying to trick us into eating something healthier...never!), but the bottom line is that these snacks are almost all differentiated only by the seasonings. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is the same as all of my chocolate Oreos reviews where the only difference was the flavor of the creme in the middle. So, after my friend John Hardie sent along a package of HEB Biscuits and Gravy Potato Chips, I decided I could no longer in good conscience keep chips out of my reviews. 

Announcing that these were the "best chips he had ever tasted" was a pretty bold statement to make. But what do you expect from Texas, where everything is supposedly bigger and better? Being a cynic by nature, I was definitely prepared to knock his proclamation down a peg...but then I tried them. And whereas the Alamo was definitely underwhelming, these chips were not!

Being born and raised on the west coast, rather than the South, I am not a biscuit and gravy afficionado so I had no expectations when I opened the bag. I am, however, a big fan of French Dip sandwiches...which is the what the aroma immediately called to mind. My tongue then confirmed what my nose was trying to tell me--these things taste like a savory meal! The chips themselves were thin, but still crispy and not greasy. The seasoning wasn't so caked on that I needed to shake some of it off and it never overpowered the taste of the potato chip. If there is anything more I ever wanted or expected from a chip, I cannot think of it.

Sadly, these chips are a "limited edition" and I live in a region where they are never available, so the odds of my getting my hands on them are not good...unless I import them before the trade war breaks out between California and Texas. Or unless I come visit John at the National Videogame Museum in Frisco, TX. Until then, however, I will be content with the knowledge that I was fortunate enough to partake of the best potato chip I've ever tasted...

RATING: 5 / 5

LEMON BLUEBERRY CRUMBLE POP TARTS

Another year, another batch of new Pop Tart flavors! I know that supposedly the only certainties in life are death and taxes, but Pop Tarts are probably just behind those two. And despite the fact that they are probably the most unhealthy junk food ever created, we are apparently still eating them...ensuring that Kellogg's is going to keep on making them, some 60+ years after they were first invented.

Even so, I don't know why the company bothers creating new varieties. Of all the snacks out there, Pop Tarts has probably tried (and failed) the largest number of flavors and combinations--from vanilla latte, Eggo waffles, Boston creme donuts and maple bacon to A&W root beer, pumpkin pie and Apple Jacks and Froot Loops cereals. The nadir was the 2021 "Mystery Flavor" which turned out to be everything bagels (!). With 20-30 varieties in production at any time, why don't they stick with the core flavors (brown sugar cinnamon, strawberry and blueberry...frosted or unfrosted)? But, I suppose I should be thankful they don't, otherwise I'd have nothing to write about.

The latest flavor, Lemon Blueberry Crumble, doesn't specifically note that it is a "Limited Edition" on the packaging...so God help us if it joins the regular rotation! It certainly doesn't belong there. But even if it gets discontinued, as it should, don't worry--I'm sure you'll be able to find them in a dollar store somewhere for the foreseeable future. True, the label might say "Best By November 2025," but who are we kidding? These things are built to last.

As a fan of both lemon and blueberry snacks, you might think this new Pop Tart would be right up my alley. That's what I thought as well...until I tried them. Now I just think they belong in an alley.

Blueberry is my second favorite Pop Tarts flavor, right behind brown sugar cinnamon, but here they've somehow managed to mess it up. I don't taste any lemon whatsoever, by the way, but apparently Kellogg's snackologists were inspired by Bath & Body Works. This "lemon blueberry" tastes like the smell of a candle, soap or potpourri and leaves a nasty aftertaste. As for the crumble? Perhaps future scientists will extract the microscopic yellow bits from the frosted coating and, as with a mosquito in amber, discover the DNA of a cake crumble. But, whatever they turn out to be, they add absolutely nothing to the taste or to the texture of this Pop Tart.

If you like lemon and blueberry and are intrigued by the combination, you are better off buying those separate Pop Tart flavors, cutting one of each in half and melding them via the microwave oven. Otherwise, I'd definitely avoid these...unless you want to stick a wick in one and light it the next time you take a bath.  

RATING: 1 / 5

   

 

RICE KRISPIES TREATS PEEPS

Of all the fads I've witnessed in snacks and candies over the years, we are currently in the middle of one of the most inexplicable trends...the attempt to make one junk food taste like another. I don't mean combining two disparate flavors, like adding potato chips to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or finding a new form factor for an existing snack, such as Twinkie's cereal or Twinkie's drumsticks ice cream. Those at least make sense to me.

I'm talking about partnerships between two nearly identically-flavored junk foods which are direct competitors for our taste buds (and wallets). Exhibit A: "Funyuns-flavored Lays Wavy Potato Chips." Funyuns, if you aren't aware, are an onion-flavored chip-like snack that come in bags stocked on the store shelves immediately adjacent to Lays. If you are in the mood for an onion-flavored chip, why wouldn't you just buy Sour Cream and Onion Lays, Ruffles or Pringles? If you prefer the corn-meal based Funyuns, these are readily available. Why would you instead choose a potato chip that is trying to imitate your preferred snack?  

Now, before I go on, let me just say that the person who first had the epiphany to coat Rice Krispies cereal in butter and marshmallows deserves an honored place in the pantheon of American (nay, World!) history...right behind the two people that got their chocolate in the other's peanut butter and right ahead of the discovery of penicillin. But that doesn't mean we need to cheapen the beauty of Rice Krispie Treats by partnering them with...shudder...Peeps.

This is either the most brilliant examples of brand synergy I have ever seen, or one of the laziest...akin to announcing Hershey chocolate-flavored M&Ms. Peeps, which are nothing but sugar-coated marshmallows, are typically colored fluorescent pink and yellow for Easter and often released in different flavors such as chocolate, strawberry, caramel apple and pickle (!). For Rice Krispies Treats Peeps, we basically have an uncolored and unflavored Peep. In other words, a marshmallow!

Does it taste any better or worse than a regular Peep? No. Does it taste like a Rice Krispies Treat? Minus the cereal and the butter, I suppose so. (They might as well release Rice Krispies Treat-flavored Jet-Puffed marshmallows while they are at it...) Is there any reason to choose this junk food if Rice Krispies Treats are still being produced? Or as long as we have access to cereal, butter and marshmallows? None at all.  

RATING:    3 / 5 

OREO COCA-COLA & COCA-COLA OREOS

Before I get to the annual onslaught of new "pumpkin spice" junk food, which started appearing on store shelves as early as August, I wanted to clear the decks by covering the second most important pairing of the past few years...behind Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, that is. 

Like Taylor and Travis, Coca-Cola and Oreo would appear to have nothing in common...other than both being well-liked. Unlike Taylor and Travis, however, no one was rooting for them as a couple. It is also hard to imagine the offspring of Oreo and Coke being anything other than a disaster (unlike Taylor and Travis, who would undoubtedly combine to create the perfect children).

Unfortunately, just like the time you weren't able talk your best friend out of hooking up with that person they met in a bar when both of them were falling-down drunk, Oreo and Coca-Cola have now paired up...despite all of our misgivings. And we no longer have to imagine what their offspring would be like--they are both here, and they aren't pretty!

Let's start with the drink. You might expect it would be harder to create a cola that tastes like a cookie than a cookie that tastes like cola, and you would be right! Sadly, this Oreo soda only comes in a "zero sugar" version which automatically earns it a "-1" from me because I cannot stand the aftertaste of sugar substitutes. It is very hard to describe the actual flavor, though, because it definitely isn't true chocolate (although neither is an Oreo). There is a nanosecond when the liquid first hits your taste buds that it may actually remind you of an Oreo, but that moment is quickly gone and you are instead left with more of the taste of a bad cream soda. And that sucralose/aspartame aftertaste...

The cookie fares a little better, but not much. One side is the traditional black Oreo wafer; the other side is a golden wafer colored bright red. The chocolate wafer side is supposed to contain Coca-Cola syrup, but I honestly couldn't taste it. The flavor of the "creme" filling is hard to pin down. Even Oreo's own website avoids mentioning the flavor, just describing "smooth white-colored creme." It doesn't really taste that much like cola...more a slight cherry. Come to think of it, if you've ever accidentally (or intentionally) mixed the cherry with the cola from an ICEE machine, that's what it tastes like. It also contains microscopic "popping candy" (i.e. Pop Rocks) which is intended to simulate the effervescence of a carbonated soda. It doesn't. 

As I learned from all of my childhood experiments combining crushed Bottle Caps candy with water, the best way to get the taste of a soda is to just buy an actual soda. That still holds true today. I don't know who wants a cookie that initially tastes like coke before tasting like an Oreo -or- a soda that initially tastes like an Oreo but then tastes like a weird coke. You are better off just buying the normal versions of each.

The marketing materials claim that the companies have "combined the best parts of both products." That's definitely not true, but you can't blame them for putting a positive spin on the news. In fact, I'm certain this is exactly what Taylor and Travis' publicist would say if their children turned out to carry recessive genes that caused them to look like their weird uncles and not their beautiful parents. 

 

RATING:    Coca-Cola 2 / 5       //      Oreo 3 / 5

 

ORANGE CREAM POP TWIZZLERS

 

Before I get started, I want to apologize profusely for missing the boat on this one! When I  recently spotted them at the local Target, I wrongly assumed that they were a brand-new creation. 

Unbeknownst to me...and perhaps to you...this flavor was actually introduced back in 2017. I should have brought these to your attention back then but I completely missed them! (Sorry! Maybe I was too busy hoarding Hershey Gold?) Since then, the flavor has been re-released at least once (2019) and is now apparently a permanent addition to the Twizzlers line-up.

Oh, and one additional housekeeping note before I jump into the review: Can we please STOP calling Twizzlers and Red Vines red licorice candies or licorice-type candy? Yes, they share the same basic shape and consistency, but so do many other foods and snacks. (You wouldn't call a lime a "lemon-type fruit," would you? Well...perhaps you would...)

Even though Twizzlers (est. 1845) and Red Vines (est. 1914) began as licorice candies, the non-licorice flavors have long surpassed the originals in popularity. In fact, strawberry now accounts for 70% of all Twizzlers sold. And after the American Licorice Company's cherry-flavored candy underwent a formula change in 1950 it became so popular that the company rebranded itself as "Red Vines"...even though no one can say conclusively what a red vine actually tastes like. Whatever you call them, though, these candies consist of wheat flour, corn syrup, sugar, dyes and flavoring but not licorice root...except for the actual licorice versions!

But I digress...

Back in 2006, Twizzlers had the brilliant idea of filling the hollow center of their twists with some sort of viscous edible material. It's not frosting, more like the gooey center of a Pop Tart, but like laws and sausages it is probably best not to ask how they are made (or what the filling is made of). The initial "filled twists" flavors were citrus punch and cherry kick, both of which are still around today; later, Twizzlers added strawberry lemonade, key lime pie and this orange cream pop flavor.

The orange flavor is similar to that of a Starburst--it's artificial, to be sure, but not too tangy our sour on its own, even before it gets smoothed out by the taste of the "cream" filling. Speaking of which, I'm actually surprised they didn't spell it "creme" as Hostess does to avoid the implication that there is anything even vaguely milk-related about it. It is vanilla flavored, I suppose, but not too strong. Together, the two flavors to approximate the smell (if not the texture, nor exactly the taste) of an orange cream popsicle.

My verdict? I've gone back and forth on this so many times that I've decided to split the difference and give it a "3" to indicate that it is just average.

I must warn you, though...there appears to be some strange Jedi mind-trick voodoo going on with these candies! I purchased these Twizzlers expecting them to taste horrible. Imagine my surprise when I actually liked them! I then told my wife that they were good; she had one and thought they were horrible. Knowing that I liked them, however, I ate another one the following day...and it was horrible. Finally, after I told a friend that they were horrible, he had one and thought they were good. Can you see the pattern now?

The bottom line is that as long as you pre-set your expectations mentally you can game the system. Tell yourself that these are disgusting and you just might like them. But, God forbid, don't think you will like them...or you definitely won't!

RATING: 3 / 5