FALL 2019 ROUND-UP

(Before I can get to the new Christmas/Winter treats, I need to clear out a backlog of unreviewed snacks from October and November...)

Fall is quickly surpassing Winter as the season that confectioners and makers of "irresponsible calorie" foods are more likely to introduce new creations in an attempt to capitalize on holiday spirit and/or reckless disregard for taste.  And, as has been the case for many years, pumpkin spice is usually the top culprit, followed closely by apple.  Both of these flavors can be pleasant...or both can go very wrong!

DOVE WHITE CHOCOLATE CARAMEL APPLE

As a married man, I can admit to having entered the Bath & Body Works retailer on more than a few occasions looking for replacement kitchen and bath soaps or candles.  Upon entering , my nose is immediately assaulted with a wide variety of scents which are not normally found together in nature.  Thankfully, after a few minutes, my nose shuts itself off in an act of self-preservation (although remaining in low power mode long enough to sniff out the least offensive blends when my wife asks me what I can stand to live with.)

In all my years of sniffing candles and soap, and even potpourri and air fresheners, I never once wondered what it would be like to eat one.  Well, thanks to Dove, now I know!

I do like white chocolate (although I prefer Dove's dark chocolate).  And I also like caramel, apples, and caramel apples.  I even like graham crackers.  On paper, combining these tastes doesn't sound like a bad idea.  Unfortunately, this idea made it off the paper and into manufacturing.  (If Dove has any product testers, they ought to all be fired over this concoction!)

If the overpowering apple smell doesn't immediately scare you away, as soon as you put one of these pieces in your mouth, the odd texture and awful taste will leave you gagging.  Avoid at all costs unless you want to use them as punishment for your kids when you threaten to "wash their mouths out with soap."  They'll probably prefer the soap...

RATING:   1 / 5    

MAPLE CREME OREO

These cookies are really a no-brainer, even if you don't come from the Great White North.

I have had better, though...usually in the form of maple-leaf shaped cookies that you can find under a generic grocery store label.  The store cookie itself is usually more tasty and substantial than the Golden Oreo in this version.  Still, the Golden Oreo cookie tastes good with the maple creme, which itself is not overpowering or too sweet.  Considering that Nabisco might have gone with the standard chocolate Oreo cookie or the graham Oreo cookie, I suppose we should count our blessings.

If you aren't a fan of maple cookies, or maple in general, this Oreo isn't going to change your mind.  But if you are looking for a fun fall flavor, this fits the bill.

RATING:  4 / 5

FROSTED PUMPKIN PIE POP TARTS

I really should have known better...

Of all the junk foods that I regularly sample for this blog, the Pop Tarts seem to be more miss than hit.  Sure, Oreo will come out with an abomination like the Swedish Fish, but then they'll give us Apple Pie or Cookie Butter.  I'm not sure if it is because Pop Tarts are all enclosed in the same "crust" or if they are limited due to the thin layer of filling, but I've definitely eaten more than my share of disgusting flavors.

I was initially impressed that they didn't call this Pop Tart a "Pumpkin Spice" flavor (as Hostess and Oreo always do with their snacks), because as you've heard me complain in the past, there's no such thing!  "Pumpkin" spice consists of ground cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves (and perhaps allspice).  There's no pumpkin or other squash involved! 

When I tried the first one of these Pop Tarts, I thought I tasted cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves.  Sure enough, all of these were listed ingredients!  (Far, far behind sugar and fructose corn syrup but still...).  Sadly, that wore off quickly.  The more I ate, the less it tasted like "pumpkin spice" and the more it tasked like pumpkin.  Or squash.  The fact that the filling is the color and texture of the baby food I used to feed my kids didn't do it any favors. 

Warming them up definitely improved the taste, but no matter how many I tried, they always started off pretty good but ended up disappointing.  (Sort of like my high school dances...)  If only the "spice" part had managed to hold its own and not be overcome by the "pumpkin" part, I might have even liked them.   

RATING:  3 (briefly) but then 2 / 5

HERSHEY GOLD KISSES

One of my favorite discoveries since starting this "junk food" blog a few years ago has been the Hershey Gold candy bar.  It isn't often that Hershey releases a full-sized bar under the Hershey name, and this was the first to not contain any chocolate at all. 

If you missed my review and haven't tried this candy yet, a Hershey Gold is a caramelized "creme" bar containing tiny bits of pretzels and peanuts.  Even though it took me a while to come around to the "salty and sweet" combination that arose over the past decade or so ("sea salt and caramel" in chocolate was not an option when I was a kid), I loved Hershey Gold immediately.  I was extremely relieved to learn that, unlike the last odd "gold" junk food I liked (7-Up Gold...look it up!), this one has lasted more than a few months and has clearly made it past the introductory stage.  So, apparently I, and my former office mates, are not the only ones eating them.

I must therefore apologize for being remiss in not reviewing the "Kisses" version of the candy when I first heard it had been released.  To be honest, I wasn't planning to write about them at all, figuring that (as with all the other "Kisses"), they were just smaller, "drop" versions of the same Hershey Gold candy bars I knew and loved.  But, unfortunately, I was wrong! (cue sinister music.)

The first clue I had that something was amiss came when I opened the bag and got a whiff of the smell of caramel popcorn.  Well, perhaps not quite caramel popcorn, but definitely a strong caramel smell, and certainly sweeter than the smell you would get from simply melting down Kraft caramel squares before dripping them onto an apple.

(Since I specifically called out the "first" clue, you are probably expecting a "second" clue.  But, to be honest, there wasn't really a second clue.  I just put one in my mouth and realized that it wasn't the same.  I suppose if I had read the bag more carefully, that could have been the second clue, but then again, it would have been more of the solution than a "clue."  If you can see the bag in the picture, you'll notice it says only "pretzel bites."  Yes, that's right, one essential ingredient was left out--the peanut bits!)

I'm not sure why Hershey omitted the peanuts.  Perhaps they couldn't get a consistent "drop" shape with both pretzel and peanut chunks in the mix?  But I definitely think using the Hershey Gold name in this case is misleading.  Hershey Gold bars have three ingredients--peanuts, pretzels, and caramelized creme.   The kisses have only two of these ingredients!  You wouldn't call chocolate and vanilla ice cream "Neapolitan" would you?  Would you?!?

In the end, I decided not to deduct a point from the review score to account for Hershey's treachery, although I was sorely tempted.  The candy is sweet and salty, but definitely more sweet than salty, and not what I was hoping for.  But it is a good candy, and a welcome variant of the kisses which are chocolate-based.  If you like them, you will probably like the full bar a little better.

RATING:    4 / 5 

POST DONETTES CEREAL

Long the red-headed stepchild to Kellogg's and General Mills...or, maybe more appropriately, the RC Cola to Coke and Pepsi...the Post cereal company is apparently trying to gain attention by teaming up with some extremely unlikely partners.

Aside from the Fruity Pebbles brand and the classic Honey Comb, most of the current Post Cereal products are of the more "healthy" variety (Grape Nuts, Great Grains, and Honey Bunches of Oats, for example).  Still, in recent years, Post has introduced a few cereals based upon cookies such as Chips Ahoy, Oreos, Nutter Butter, and 'Nilla Wafers.  But now they've gone "all-in" on the concept of junk food and cereal synergy.

Post recently released three new cereals which will certainly catch your eye: Hostess Honeybuns, Hostess Donettes, and Sour Patch Kids.  As much as I pride myself on sampling odd combinations, even I have to work myself up to eat a cereal based upon a sour candy, so I started with the most innocuous one I could find: Hostess Donettes.

Truth be told, I've eaten many a donette in my day, although I prefer the full-sized assorted pack of Hostess donuts.  You know the ones--where everyone eats the chocolate-covered and powdered ones first, leaving you to scrape the bottom of the box with the plain donut in an attempt to collect whatever powder or chocolate crumbs remain.  The mini-donettes are a guilty pleasure despite being so dry that they are almost inedible without a glass of water or milk nearby.  But a cereal based on a powdered processed donut?  Hmm...

From the picture on the box, I was expecting the taste of Frosted Cheerios.  Which, while not my preferred flavor of Cheerios (Honey Nut) are not bad at all.  But Post Donettes cereal didn't taste like Frosted Cheerios at all...for better or worse.  It definitely lacked the crunch of a Cheerio, and for good reason.  Where the first ingredient of a Cheerio is whole grain oats, Donettes cereal goes straight to the dextrose and sugar before getting around to the corn flour.   (That's not even a donette ingredient, by the way, as Hostess starts with wheat flour.)

The end result is something that doesn't have the taste or consistency of a crunchy frosted oat cereal, but more like a Froot Loop (which is a sugar and corn flour blend)--if you took out the imitation fruit flavor and substituted mild vanilla flavoring.  Surprisingly, it is somewhat better than it sounds, but ultimately not that great.  If the name piques your curiosity as it did mine, you would be better off grabbing a bag of the actual powdered donettes and dunking them in a glass of milk.

RATING:     2 / 5 

CARROT CAKE OREOS

CARROT CAKE OREOS

It's official.  As sure as pumpkin spice is the official flavor of Fall, peppermint is a staple of Christmas snacking, and strawberries and chocolate are associated with Valentine's Day, carrot cake is now the junk food flavor of Spring.  I don't know why these cookies were released in mid-January, however, but seeing as how I could have bought a Christmas tree the day before Halloween, I no longer question holiday marketing.

I still have difficulty comprehending why certain well-known snack foods (Twinkees, Oreos) are trying to capture the taste of other desserts (cinnamon rolls, blueberry pies, carrot cake) because, frankly, it is just as easy to eat that other dessert instead.  It would be the same as if Sprite made a version of its soda flavored like Coca-Cola.  But here at Irresponsible Calorie headquarters, my job is not to ask why.  My job is to simply eat and report.

The most interesting thing about this particular cookie is that it is not the "creme" which is carrot cake flavored.  That would seem to be the more obvious choice, as I imagine the difference between the standard Oreo cookie creme and cream cheese frosting atop a carrot cake is probably an easier gap to bridge...as opposed to changing the ingredients of the standard chocolate, vanilla or graham Oreo cookies. 

To Nabisco's credit, the cookie does taste a lot like carrot cake and not like one of their other "spice" or graham flavor cookies, as I was expecting.  I just wish they had been bolder by adding food coloring to make the cookie less tan and more orange in color.  The cream cheese-flavored creme doesn't taste that different from the standard Oreo creme if you compare them taken out of their cookie coverings, but together the combination works really well.  This cookie definitely reminds me of carrot cake, except without the annoying vegetable or raisin pieces or the worry that your cake is not moist enough.

The fact remains, however, that if you like carrot cake you would be better off making your own or picking one up from the local grocer.  But if you just want a good reminder of carrot cake, in a handy non-sticky circular form, Carrot Cake Oreos will do just fine.

RATING:   4 / 5

CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER PIE OREO

Long-time Irresponsible Calories readers will know that I'm not much of a pie person. Oh, sure, I'll indulge in a slice of apple or pumpkin during the fall season...and as a child I had a love of Hostess Lemon Pies, which turned out to be made primarily of beef fat...but I'll take a slice of cake over pie any day.
I also prefer fruit pies over non-fruit pies, so if I'm going to eat an Oreo based upon a pie flavor, I'd prefer Key Lime or Blueberry (both of which I previously reviewed, and both of which were quite good).
That said, how can you go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter? These are the Alpha and Omega of dessert ingredients, and are the basic building blocks of my favorite candy (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups). So, why not?
This Oreo is made with a graham-flavored cookie, so props for not using the traditional chocolate or vanilla wafers. The creme filling is roughly half peanut butter and half chocolate...actually, half brown and half black, since the majority of it does not consist of natural ingredients. Unfortunately, the chocolate was completely overpowered by the peanut butter flavor.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, because the peanut butter flavor is good. But we already have Nutter Butter cookies, which these Oreos reminded me a lot of. If you were expecting more of a mix of chocolate and peanut butter, you are bound to be disappointed, and you might want to stick with the peanut butter Oreos. At least the chocolate cookie on those gives them a mix of flavor.

RATING: 3 / 5

COTTON CANDY TWINKIES

After a lengthy hiatus from this page, I decided that I had better return with something out of the ordinary. But then I realized--all of these things are out of the ordinary. That's why I am writing about them!

So, here's another new variation of a classic "snack" that continues the trend of combining one junk food with another. And, unless your mother packed your lunch while you lived with the circus, it is a combination you probably never imagined: cotton candy and Twinkies.

Twinkies, of course, are a classic sponge cake with vanilla-flavored creamy filling. One Twinkie contains 19 grams of sugar--just one gram less than the recommended *daily* allowance for women. And Hostess has decided to combine this with a confection that consists of spun sugar...well, the taste of it, anyway.

And that's where this combination falls apart. Unless it is intentionally flavored, cotton candy doesn't really taste like anything other than slightly caramelized sugar. (By the way, did you know cotton candy, originally named "fairy floss," was invented by a dentist? Isn't that like a heart surgeon inventing deep fat fried mozzarella cheese sticks? But I digress...)

The main reason that I enjoy the occasional new Twinkie flavor is because the cake on its own is rather plain. Cover it with chocolate, add peppermint sticks in the cake, or fill it with strawberry, banana or key lime cream and the plain cake becomes more interesting. But add filling which tastes vaguely like burnt sugar, and you've got a Twinkie which just tastes slightly "off" from the plain ol' Twinkie you might remember. Without the pink coloring, or the circus tents on the box, you might just think that the factory let the creamy filling sit in the kettle too long.

Considering the circus theme, I suppose it could have been a lot worse. Compared to a pink popcorn Twinkie or a marshmallow circus "peanut" Twinkie, a cotton candy one is relatively benign. But that still doesn't make it a good idea...

RATING: 2 / 5

MY OREO CREATIONS 2018

At long last, I have tracked down and consumed all of the 2018 "My Oreo Creation" entries: Pina Colada Oreo Thins, Kettle Corn Oreos, and Cherry Cola Oreos.

I'd like to think that Nabisco settled on these three flavors the same way a corrupt beauty pageant official might have selected the finalists for "Miss Tuolumne County 1957," including an entrant that is average-looking, an entrant that is downright ugly, and an entrant who looks a lot better next to the other two.  (Oh, and that last one is the official's niece, of course!)

Similarly, there is no real contest here.

Let's start with the clear loser, which in this case is Cherry Cola.  Opening the package does provide a whiff of cherry cola scented goodness in the same way that putting on cherry cola lip balm does...and, as with lip balm, that's where the fun ends.  You definitely don't want to eat these!  Yes, Nabisco added popping candy in the creme in an attempt to simulate a soda, but they also encased that cherry creme in their traditional faux chocolate cookie wafer.  Not a good match!

Next up we have the average entrant, Kettle Corn.  I love popcorn, but I don't understand why anyone would bother with popcorn-flavored snacks when they can have the real thing just as easily.  That's why popcorn Jelly Bellies have never been among my favorites, although I have a lot of friends who swear by them.  The good news and bad news is that these Oreos don't taste like popcorn at all.  There is no hint of butter, only the scent of maple which is supposed to remind you of the caramel popcorn topping, I guess, but instead reminded me of the pancake or waffle-flavored Oreos.  They are a little too sweet, but not bad overall.  But, again, they aren't reminiscent of popcorn...despite Nabisco adding puffed millet to the creme (?).

Last, but not least, is the clear winner among this trio: Pina Colada.  Had you asked me in advance, I would not have expected this result, but that's because I had the taste of the libation and not a cookie in mind.  I braced myself for a strong coconut and pineapple flavor, half expecting shards of real coconut in the creme (Why not? The other two had puffed millet and popping candy!).  Instead, what I got was a very slight pineapple flavor that blended just fine with the golden cookie.  I think Nabisco had the right idea making these "Thins" instead of their regular size cookie, because twice the amount of creme might have been overpowering.  While I wouldn't recommend dipping this one in milk any time soon, it might be a good snack to have while sipping a pina colada or a blue Hawaiian.

If you want to participate in the contest, visit the following URL to vote for your favorite:
https://mondelez.promo.eprize.com/myoreocreation/


CHERRY COLA
RATING     2 / 5

KETTLE CORN
RATING    3 / 5

PINA COLADA
RATING    4 / 5