SELENA GOMEZ / POST MALONE OREOS

When I said that junk foods trying to replicate the taste of other junk foods (Froot Loop and Apple Jacks Pop Tarts; Twinkies and ICEE Cereals; Funyon Lays Potato Chips, etc.) was the stupidest trend I had seen, I think the food scientists at Nabisco heard me and took that as a challenge. Because now there's an even dumber trend...celebrity Oreos!

I know we may never solve the age-old "chicken or the egg" conundrum, but to that headscratcher we can now add this question: Which came first--the celebrity endorsement or the flavor? That is, did Post Malone's agent contact Nabisco to let them know he had an idea for a new cookie? Or did Nabisco reach out to Selena Gomez (and probably a number of other celebrities) seeking her endorsement of something they came up with? Perhaps, like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop, the world will never know...

What I do know is that I had to Google "Post Malone" because I had no idea who he is. [When you see the name "Malone," if your first thoughts are of Karl, Moses...or Sam ("Mayday")...then welcome to my world...we can go get our AARP cards together.] I do know who Selena Gomez is, though, having had a teenager at home in the not-to-distant past, but to be fair neither of these two would top my list of desired celebrity endorsements. Maybe Taylor Swift and Pedro Pascal didn't return Nabisco's calls?

But enough about the attention-grabbing celebrity names. The flavor is the most important thing, whether Post and Selena really like the taste or not. Post Malone's Oreo is a half chocolate, half golden cookie with a swirled creme that is supposed to taste like salted caramel and shortbread. Selena Gomez' Oreo, on the other hand, is a traditional chocolate cookie (albeit with cinnamon flavor) surrounding chocolate, cinnamon and sweetened condensed milk-flavored creme. Although I don't recall seeing the name on the package itself, the advertising suggests that the cookie was "horchata-inspired." And I do like horchata... 

Of the two, I enjoyed Post Malone's cookie the most. Although the creme didn't taste like shortbread to me, it was still enjoyable and the chocolate and golden cookies and creme all balanced each other perfectly so that none of the flavors were overwhelming. Nothing spectacular, but good enough and definitely something I would eat again. Selena Gomez' cookies were disappointing, unfortunately. Maybe the price of cinnamon has increased to the point that Nabsico couldn't afford to include more than a few microns worth, but if I hadn't read the packaging I would have had no idea that "cinnamon" was part of the recipe. Seriously! It tasted more like some sort of chocolate mousse cookie, which wasn't bad, but certainly not what was advertised. I wasn't a fan of their "hot and spicy cinnamon" Oreo from a few years back, but here the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction of not even being able to taste the key flavor. 

As celebrities are not typically associated with food...the only endorsement I can think of that would make sense is Gallagher and a watermelon-flavored Jolly Rancher...it will be interesting to see who Nabisco signs next. From a business perspective, however, I'm not sure I understand where they are going with these. Certainly, great new flavors of Oreos will sell without a celebrity endorsement (and without the price to pay for it), while awful Oreo flavors won't sell no matter who is on the packaging. Except maybe Taylor Swift...

RATINGS:   

POST MALONE    4 / 5    SELENA GOMEZ    3/ 5

BEER CAN CHICKEN PRINGLES

In all the years that I've been writing about various kinds of snacks and junk foods, I have almost never been surprised. On rare occasions, something that sounds awful turns out to be delicious...or vice-versa...but for the most part, I know just what to expect. Which is why, when I saw this "limited edition" can of Pringles, I should have trusted my first instinct. That instinct was to empty the shelves into my cart, push that cart out of the local Target before the asset protection team could stop me, stack the cans into a miniature version of "Burning Man" and then light them on fire in the parking lot.

In a weak moment, however, I did none of the above. Instead, I decided to take a can home and try them for myself. But my folly will hopefully serve as a warning to you all not to go down this same path.

By the way, in case you aren't familiar with "beer can chicken," it is a method of trying to keep a chicken moist (and, possibly, to also impart the flavor of beer to said chicken) that basically involves emptying out half a can of beer, lowering the chicken's cavity onto the can, and cooking it upright. (You might notice that the image on the can is completely wrong in that respect, showing the can on the wrong end of the bird, but perhaps the Pringle's marketing department realized a true image might get their product banned in more conservative states). Seeing a beer can stuffed into a chicken is the second strangest image associated with cooking poultry...behind only that one episode of Friends.

For the record, I must say that I'm not a big fan of beer. My preferred beverage of choice for imbibing is either wine (or a mixed drink involving vodka + just about anything else). But, if I had to crack open a cold one, it would be a bottle of Samuel Adams and not Miller Lite, which has definitely fallen a long way from running the funniest television commercials ever made in the 1970s and 80s to partnering with a reconstituted potato chip. But I digress...

Fortunately, the fact that I am not a beer connoisseur in no way affected my ability to fairly judge these potato chips because they have absolutely zero beer taste. Which, frankly, is probably a good thing! I was actually just hoping for a flavor closer to a BBQ chicken or a garlic-lemon rotisserie chicken...heck, I would have settled for chips that reminded me of chicken McNuggets.

What I got instead was a nauseating aroma just from opening the can, which almost made me sick to my stomach even before I tried eating any of these. Eating them only intensified that feeling. If there is such a thing as aftertaste having an aftertaste, this food does that! Ask me to describe the taste as politely as I possibly can, and the only thing that comes to mind is...rancid ketchup. Or maybe some weak teriyaki sauce which you obtained, not from a reputable restaurant, but from the self-serve section of an AM/PM mini-mart. Oh, and vaguely potato-y Pringles--I could definitely taste those as well.   

(For those who may be interested, there is also a "Grilled Beer Brat" and a "Beer-Braised Steak" version...the latter which was not sold at my local Target and the former which I would not ever dare to buy considering how much I disliked these.) 

The bottom line is that there's nothing inherently wrong with cooking beer can chicken, just as there is nothing wrong with enjoying a beer while eating potato chips, chicken or brats. But trying to combine these flavors in a Pringle's can is a big mistake! So, as we celebrate American Independence Day...a time when my fellow citizens are most likely to consume beer, chicken, brats and maybe even these potato chips...I thank the good Lord above that we live in a nation where companies have the freedom to try stupid ideas such as this one, and where we consumers also have the freedom to dump chests of them into Boston Harbor as a statement of opposition. If I lived on the opposite side of the country, I would!

RATING:    1 / 5

APPLE JACKS ICE CREAM

Here we go again!

Are people eating less cereal overall? Are certain cereal companies losing market share to newcomers? Are those legacy companies looking to expand into adjacent markets that make sense? All of the above?

Beloved junk food brands moving from one type of product to another is a relatively recent phenomenon but it shows no sign of stopping! At this rate, it is only a matter of time before we start seeing candy bar-flavored Smirnoff vodkas and cereal-flavored Bailey's. In some cases, the results are amazing--such as Snickers and Twix ice cream bars or Cinnamon Toast Crunch Hershey Kisses. In other cases, such as Froot Loop bagels, the combination is perplexing. This one certainly falls into the latter category...

In case you miss them during the month I predict that these things will be on the store shelves before being discontinued for lack of interest, Kellogg's recently introduced ice creams based on its Eggo waffles as well as six of its cereal brands: Froot Loops, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Honey Smacks, Rice Krispie (Treats) and Apple Jacks. Not having money to burn on all of them, I thought I'd start with the version based upon one of my favorite cereals. Plus, having already reviewed the abomination that was Apple Jacks Pop-Tarts a few years back, this gives me a "second bite at the apple"...so to speak.

(In retrospect, I probably should have gone with the Corn Pops ice cream...at least I wouldn't have had any false hope of that one tasting good!)

Let's start with the visuals, shall we? The ice cream contains small bits of orange and green that can best be described as sparkles rather than sprinkles, if that makes any sense. In other words, they appear to be present only for decoration as you can't isolate them for taste (as you would with green and red pieces of candy in your peppermint stick ice cream). In this respect, the ice cream almost reminds me of the bottom of the bowl after you've eaten Apple Jacks cereal...slightly pink milk with miniscule pieces of orange and green. The ice cream does taste like apple--not sour apple, fortunately, but an imitation candy apple flavor that is too sweet for me. Good as a Jolly Rancher? Maybe. As ice cream? Not really. 

Where does the cinnamon part come in, you may ask? 

(Trivia Time: Why was the cereal called Apple Jacks in the first place, rather than Apple Cinnamon? Apparently, "Jack" just refers to the generic term as a common name for a male...that's a fact, Jack...and the first mascot was an apple with a face carved into it named "Apple Jack" for marketing.)

Well thanks for asking about the cinnamon, because that is the biggest surprise of Apple Jacks ice cream! It does not appear to be in the main body of the ice cream itself, but in "swirls." Okay, no problem, it's like the filling of a toaster strudel, right? Wrong! Here is the fun part--unlike, say, a gooey caramel swirl, this cinnamon "swirl" has the consistency of brown sugar. Brown sugar that has been in your pantry for longer than you remember, that is, and as a result is now clumped together. Not only that, but it has zero physical connection to the ice cream itself. You would never be able to separate a caramel ribbon from your ice cream without making a mess, since it is spread throughout, but here the cinnamon "chunks" don't blend with the ice cream at all. I'm not sure what is keeping them together, but you can easily fish them out of the ice cream intact, without a molecule of ice cream clinging to them.

So, yes, if you are following me, this is an apple-flavored ice cream with grainy chunks of cinnamon littered throughout. I suppose it tastes like Apple Jacks cereal only in the same way that Apple Jacks cereal doesn't exactly taste like apple and cinnamon--for that, you should just mix cinnamon and apple Jelly Bellies (you're welcome!), drink a spiced apple cider, sprinkle cinnamon on apple pie filling or even just fill your mouth with Hot Tamales before taking a bite of a real apple. All of those possibilities are guaranteed to give you more enjoyment than this concoction! 

RATING: 2 / 5

PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY M&M's

It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized many people ate a different type of peanut butter and jelly sandwich than I did growing up as a child. In our family, grape was the preferred flavor of jelly. In fact, I cannot remember ever eating a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich as a child...although I may have had peanut butter and honey (especially on crackers) on more than one occasion. I do remember that Welch's grape jelly came in glass jars that frequently had cartoon characters imprinted on the side, and that we used these as drink glasses for years afterwards...until Archie, Betty and Veronica had faded away from countless dishwashing. But I digress...

I'll have to confirm with my own kids, now adults, but something tells me that I passed on the family tradition by making them peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches as well. At the time, Smucker's Uncrustables...which are crust-less sandwiches found in the freezer aisle...didn't even exist. They didn't exist when I was a kid either, but it would have been interesting to have had access to both strawberry and grape sandwiches depending upon the mood. Uncrustables keep both camps happy; M&M's, on the other hand, does not. Or does it?

From the color of the wrapper, tan and red, you might assume that these candies are strawberry flavored. I wish I could tell you that you are right...or wrong...but that's the problem. I have no idea! There is a peanut butter flavor, albeit nowhere near as strong as the peanut butter M&M's and lacking the crunch of peanut M&M's, but it is paired with an ambiguous sweetness. I thought if I dissected these things I'd be able to tell what it was but there is nothing visible other than the shell, the chocolate and the peanut butter inside. I'm guessing the flavor might be in the chocolate, rather than the peanut butter, but I honestly couldn't make that determination either!

If these candies tasted good I would have simply shrugged and continue eating them. After all, there are plenty of other things in life which I enjoy even though I don't understand exactly how they work: OLED displays, trying to move an image inside of a Word document without messing up the formatting, carburetors, etc. But I did not enjoy these at all! The peanut butter flavor was too subdued, and whether the "jelly" flavor was supposed to approximate strawberry or grape, it tastes like neither. These M&M's left me with an unpleasant aftertaste and made me wonder if, like peanut butter and "whatever" jelly sandwiches, maybe I've outgrown M&M's as an adult. 

Nah...

RATING: 2 / 5

BIRTHDAY CAKE OREOS

I've said this before, but apparently I need to repeat myself...almost as if no one from Nabisco, Hostess, Kellogg's or Hershey is reading this blog! THERE IS NO SUCH FLAVOR AS BIRTHDAY CAKE! And, as long as we are on the subject, neither is there such a flavor as ice cream, pie or donut...or even pizza, for that matter!

That's not to say, of course, that we don't all recall a specific taste when we hear those words. But your mental pictures...I mean, flavors...of cake (German chocolate), ice cream (Rocky Road) and donuts (glazed) may be quite different than my cake (lemon), ice cream (Americone Dream) and donuts (maple bar). I know for a fact that my default pizza taste (pepperoni and sausage, heavy cheese, light red sauce) is not the same as my wife's (chicken, bacon, spinach and mushrooms with creamy garlic sauce).

So, for those of you who prefer strawberry, spice, marble or literally every flavor (is there a pizza birthday cake?) other than vanilla, Nabisco owes you an apology for getting your hopes up. 

Considering that Nabisco already makes a golden Oreo with vanilla creme, what exactly is the difference here? Well...um...this creme has microscopic rainbow-colored sprinkles which may be pleasing to your eyes even if they are inconsequential to your tastebuds. The creme is also slightly sweeter, in my opinion, but by a magnitude so minor that you might not notice it at all. It does sort of taste more like vanilla cake frosting but without the added bonus of turning your tongue blue or red thanks to the food coloring.

Does that make for a bad cookie? Not at all. I happen to like golden Oreos more than the regular chocolate variety, so these taste fine to me. But, are they anything to praise (a la Blueberry Pie or Cookie Butter Oreos) or condemn (a la Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids Oreos)? Again, not at all. 

Sounds like a pretty boring birthday party snack to me! Might as well eat them with vanilla ice cream...and cheese pizza.

RATING: 3 / 5

BUTTERBEER: HERSHEY KISSES AND SKINNY POP POPCORN

 

I'm not sure why a bevvy of Harry Potter-themed junk food appeared in stores last month as there was nothing else tied in with it. The last book was published 18 years ago. The last film was released almost 14 years ago. "Cursed Child" opened in London 9 years ago and the HBO television series won't be out for another year. Maybe J.K. Rowling needed to renovate her estate or something?

Before I share my opinion on two of these snacks, I must admit up front that I've always hated the name "butterbeer." At least ginger ale and root beer originally involved fermentation, even though the modern versions have no alcohol. But we've already got a word to describe this same flavor--Butterscotch! Which has nothing to do with Scotch, by the way, but may have derived from "scortch" as a reference to boiling the brown sugar and butter together. Caramel, on the other hand, is made from white (not brown) sugar. And Butter Rum Life Savers, which taste like butterscotch but with a hint of rum flavor, were introduced in 1938 to mimic hot buttered rum without the alcohol...or the hot. (I should call this section "The More You Know..." but that name is already taken, and I don't think you really want to know more about anything I review in this blog or you wouldn't dare eat any of it!)   

 

In summary, Butterbeer is a made-up name that has nothing to do with beer describing a taste that has nothing to do with Scotch...but, dang, I do love it!

HERSHEY KISSES

I'll start with the Hershey's Kisses first. I still haven't quite recovered from all the Cinnamon Toast Crunch Kisses I ate last month (which I rated a "5") but now here comes a second "5" in a row! As with those other Kisses, no chocolate is involved. These candies are described as "gold colored creme filled with butterbeer flavored creme"--perhaps the longest and most unhelpful candy description ever, especially if you're not a Harry Potter fan. If you love butterscotch, the taste of these will be familiar...but I wasn't quite expecting the texture (as I ate them before reading the bag description). I expected them to be as solid as their standard chocolate Kisses are--almost as if they just enlarged one of those Nestle butterscotch chips. But, instead, I was pleasantly surprised by the smooth creamy filling. Despite what the description says, the taste appears to come from both the interior and the exterior.

I couldn't think of anything disparaging to say about these candies! Perhaps the only "criticism"...and it is a stretch to call it that...has to do with the foil design. They come in three colors: tan, featuring a beer mug, a cauldron and (I guess) torches; blue, featuring a beer mug, candles, stars and (I guess) an owl icon; and red, featuring a beer mug, stars and (I guess) bubbles. Would it really have been so difficult to use the symbols for the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Invisibility Cloak? Geez! Talk about a missed opportunity! Not to mention when I first saw one of these outside the bag, the mug made me think it was beer flavored (like beer Jelly Bellies). Fortunately, the butterscotch smell is unmistakably strong...strong enough to permeate any container you keep them in, to be exact. A full-size butterbeer candy bar would likely be overwhelming, but these Kisses are perfect for a quick treat. 

RATING: 5 / 5

# # #

SKINNY POP POPCORN

I wasn't quite sure what to make of these and I probably wouldn't have purchased them if it weren't for the 50% Sale rack at the back of the grocery store. Judging by the number of bags that were on that rack, I'm guessing they overestimated the demand for these by a factor of 10 or 20. Which also gave me pause...if they were good, they would be gone, right? But then I remembered my duty to you, dear readers, to boldly snack where no one...or at least, not many...have snacked before. 

The front of the bag promotes butterbeer-flavored kettle corn but the back of the bag states that it has a touch of "butterscotch" (Show me you're a Muggle without showing me you're a Muggle!). It also notes "brown butter and caramel" flavors. As a fan of butterscotch, buttery popcorn and caramel corn, all of that sounded good to me! And perhaps it might have been good had Skinny Pop actually gone with something that resembled caramel corn. But Skinny Pop doesn't make caramel corn--if it did, I suppose it would have to relinquish the name "Skinny." Instead, they make dusted popcorn and kettle corn. And this version tastes good as far as kettle corn goes, being slightly sweet, but it would be a stretch to describe the taste as butterscotch (or even caramel). If you really want butterbeer-flavored popcorn, your best bet is to melt a bag of the Hershey's Butterbeer Kisses over this. Hmm...that gives me an idea!

RATING: 3 / 5

HERSHEY CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH KISSES

Back in 2017, Hershey introduced its first new candy bar since the Cookies & Creme variety was released in 1995. The new bar was named Hershey Gold, and it contained no chocolate whatsoever but instead was a caramelized creme with peanuts and pretzels. It was delicious...one of the best junk foods I've ever reviewed...so, naturally, Hershey cancelled it in 2020. Had I known it was about to disappear, I would have stockpiled it in place of the water and canned meats in my earthquake survival kit.

While I am hoping we won't need to wait another twenty-two years before Hershey makes another attempt at a new candy bar, they at least seem to be going all out when it comes to their "Kisses" candies. In addition to seasonal varieties such as candy cane, cherry cordial and hot cocoa, I've seen pumpkin spice, strawberry ice cream cone and candy corn flavors (the latter having been discontinued about 14 years ago due to poor sales...imagine that!).

Their small size means that I rarely think of Hershey Kisses when looking for a chocolate fix, preferring something more substantial (like a Snickers). Or maybe I'm just too lazy to unwrap the minimum number of Kisses (20) needed to satisfy my snack craving. In fact, other than after finding them inside Easter eggs or Christmas stockings, I rarely eat them at all. With this new flavor, however, that may change...

I'm a big fan of cinnamon in general and Cinnamon Toast Crunch in particular (back when I ate cereal, that is). So I expected these to be right up my alley and they did not disappoint. Like Hershey Gold before them (which also came temporarily in a Kisses version), these new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Kisses are not chocolate at all but that same creme--except, instead of peanuts and pretzels, they contain what appear to be pieces of cereal. Not soggy cereal either, but pieces that provide a satisfying crunch. 

Thanks to the creme, the cinnamon flavor is more subdued that what you get from Hot Tamales,  cinnamon Red Hots candy or Big Red gum. Definitely not something that is too hot/spicy, but instead closer to a cinnamon roll. And all of this goodness is wrapped up in a red, green, purple and blue tinfoil that looks like something out of an Austin Powers movie--groovy! What's not to like? 

Well, actually, the one thing I didn't like was the smell. The open bag gave off the same sickly-sweet, pseudo-vanilla aroma you get from soaps, scratch-and-sniff stickers or air fresheners trying and failing to duplicate the smell of waffles. But unless you are a weirdo who needs to sniff your candy before eating it (or who writes a blog about the experience), you won't even notice. Instead, you'll find these Kisses to be sweet and satisfying...a great new flavor which I truly hope Hershey will consider releasing as a full-sized bar. Sure beats unwrapping 20 of these at a time... 

RATING:    5 / 5