CAP'N CRUNCH'S BLUEBERRY PANCAKE CRUNCH

The weirdest thing about this cereal is not the flavor...if you can believe it.  The weirdest thing is the back of the cereal box, where Cap'n Cruch is dressed like a lumberjack.  While I applaud the Cap'n for his apparent career change, it made me wonder.  Why a lumberjack?  And why is he still in his nautical uniform on the front (which, by the way, appears to be that of a commander rather than a captain)?

At first, I surmised that Quaker Oats was going to tie the "blueberry" flavor into Babe, the giant blue ox...with the Cap'n as Paul Bunyan.  And, indeed, there is a blue ox on the box (but no fox wearing socks).  Yet, the predominant image is not the ox, but a purple Bigfoot.  And he's wearing a T-shirt that says "Santa Cruz Blueberry Snails."  And the Cap'n's word balloon indicates that his new crunch is "made from trees only found in Crunch Forrest."  (Personally, I think he must have been eating too many of the mushrooms found in Crunch Forrest.  But I digress...)

I'm certainly not a stranger to blueberry cereals, as Boo Berry remains my favorite of the General Mills' monster cereals which they release every October.  Blueberry Pop Tarts are among my favorites, and the blueberry pie Oreo cookies rated highly with me.  But, in this case, the problem is not with the blueberry flavor...it's the pancake!

[On the off chance that someone reading this is a friend of a friend or a family member who knows someone who works for Kellogg's, Nabisco, General Mills, Hershey's or Hostess, please do me a favor.  Please tell them that maple ≠ pancakes!]

This is the same mistake that Brachs made with their "breakfast brunch" candy corn!  They overloaded the candy with maple flavoring and called one French Toast and the other pancakes.  With this cereal, the moment you open the bag your nose will be assaulted by an overpowering whiff of sickeningly-sweet maple...which, frankly, doesn't smell like anything you might want to eat.  And certainly not like something you want to pour milk over.  But, if you are brave enough to press on, you'll discover that the cereal itself doesn't taste bad at all.  In fact, the maple is more prevalent in the scent rather than the actual taste, which is definitely blueberry.

Unfortunately, though, this is still Cap'n Crunch.  Think of the round, softer Crunch Berries, and not the original crunchier squares.  So, the cereal is a corn and oat "puff" ball, more like Trix and Kix, which means it gets soggy in milk almost immediately.  While I didn't necessarily miss the marshmallows that Boo Berry has, I would prefer a cereal with a crunch that could withstand the milk for just a little while longer.  If you agree, stick with Blueberry Mini-Wheats or wait for Boo Berry in the fall.  But if you don't mind the mushiness, and aren't eating this for the missing pancake taste, Blueberry Pancake Crunch isn't bad at all.

RATING: 3/5

BRACH'S APPLE MIX CANDY CORN

To bring you yet another review of irresponsible calories, I had to first overcome the revulsion caused by post-ingesting stress disorder from the last time I ate Brach's "brunch favorites" candy corn.  In fact, when I'm lying awake in my bed in the silent dead of night, sometimes I think I can still taste them.

I must start by once again voicing my strong objection to flavored candy corn.  Candy corn is itself a flavor, people!  Hasn't that already been proven by Nabisco making a candy corn flavored Oreo cookie?  Maybe I'm getting cranky in my old age, but there was a time when we had candy corn and licorice and cotton candy and cinnamon and vodka...and we didn't feel the need to add flavors to what were already flavors!  Well, except for vodka I guess...flavored vodka is cool.

The good news, if there can be good news when reviewing a sugary confection that is definitely not good for you, is that this latest batch of flavored candy corn actually tastes much like the flavors being promised.  For the most part.

Thankfully, rather than trying to recreate the flavors of French Toast and Maple Syrup, Waffles and Strawberry, and Chocolate Chip and Pancakes...wait a second, I'm having a flashback panic attack again.  [...]  Okay, where were we?  Oh, yes...this time Brach's has decided to imitate the flavor of Green Apple, Apple Pie, and Caramel Apple.  And the colors they have chosen, while still not found in nature, are considerably more festive than their brunch favorites.  There's a white one with a green bottom, a red one with a brown bottom, and a tan one with a white bottom (insert Coppertone ad joke here).  

For those astute readers who noticed that I wrote "for the most part" up above, one of these flavors fails while the other two succeed.  Any guesses?  Once again, it is the caramel that lets us down.  Perhaps there should be a ban on imitation caramel flavor until scientists get it right.  Maybe they should stop their cancer research and take care of this important business first.  In any case, the Green Apple tastes like sour apple candy  and the Apple Pie tastes inexplicably like an apple pie.  In fact, it tastes so much like an apple pie that it scares me.  I have no idea how they managed to do it.  But then along comes the Caramel Apple (the red one with a brown bottom) and the feelings of revulsion return.
  
I'd like to tell you not to eat these, so that Brach's gives up and sticks to candy corn-flavored candy corn...as God intended...but I have to be honest and let you know that two out of three of these flavors are not bad.   

RATING:  3/5

CARROT CAKE HERSHEY KISSES

Just in time for Easter...or, actually, a day late (sorry!) comes the latest flavor of Hershey Kisses.

Now, call me a purist, but Hershey's Kisses are one of those classic candies which really should *not* be jumping on the "limited edition exclusive weird new flavor" bandwagon.  Unlike Pop Tarts, which already come in lots of different flavors (or Oreos, which sadly do too), Hershey's Kisses are supposed to be chocolate!  So, while they can be white chocolate, or mint chocolate, or dark chocolate, or cherry cordials in chocolate...the unifying thread should always be chocolate!  In my humble opinion, that is.

I definitely was not looking forward to trying these for that reason...and for the fact that they are supposed to taste like carrot cake, which is definitely not my favorite cake.  But I was focused on the first word ("carrot") and not the last word ("cake").

If you can get past the orange foil wrapper and the orange crayon-color of the Kisses, you'll find that they don't taste like carrots at all.  Or carrot cake.  They do, however, taste exactly like the topping of a carrot cake.  Hershey must have conducted a research study concluding that people were more likely to buy "Carrot Cake" Kisses than "Cream Cheese Frosting" Kisses.  That's the only explanation I can come up with, although it fails my own scientific study--the three people I asked were more likely to try a "Cream Cheese Frosting" Kiss than a "Carrot Cake" one.  Granted, that is a small sample size, but still...

I have to acknowledge that these Kisses are sweet and creamy and tasty...even if they aren't chocolate.  But if Hershey brings them back next Easter, I would recommend a name change.  After all, you don't see Mars naming their Peanut M&M's "Banana Split Sundae" just because they taste like the peanut slivers on top.

RATING:  4/5

TWINKIES FROZEN DAIRY DESSERT CONES

In my ongoing quest to discover two great tastes that go great together, I've tried a lot of weird combinations: Swedish Fish Oreos.  Lime Twinkies.  Root Beer Pop Tarts.  Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes.  Carrot Cake Hershey Kisses.  Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett.  Believe it or not, most of them weren't terrible--but they weren't memorable either.

Ever since January, when Hostess announced a partnership with Nestle to create frozen novelty items based on some of the most well-known Hostess snack cakes, I've been waiting in anticipation.  Now, at last, the wait is over...and judging from the first treat out of the gate, the wait was worth it!

I've always been a big fan of Drumsticks--vanilla ice cream in a waffle cone, with a hard shell chocolate coating on top and inside the bottom of the cone, usually with peanut slivers, and often with a caramel center.  These "Twinkies" (that's the only name on the box, with "Frozen Dairy Dessert Cones" in small letters below) consist of a vanilla dairy product solid inside a waffle cone topped with yellow sponge cake sprinkles on a cream-flavored dairy product solid.

I would prefer to say "ice cream" instead of "dairy product solid," but that's what this is made of according to the ingredient list.  In case you were wondering, "dairy product solids" are obtained by removing protein and/or lactose and/or minerals from milk.  Like the beef fat in Hostess pies, if you intend to eat these, it is probably something you shouldn't think too much about.

And eat these you should!  The yellow cake sprinkles are hardly noticable, but the cream topping is distinguishable from the vanilla ice cr...dairy product...inside the cone, which is just as delicious as the normal Drumstick waffle cone.  It had a taste that was reminiscent of Boston Cream Pie, and while I still prefer the Drumstick with the caramel center and peanut slivers, this is definitely a close second.

That said, if you had served me this dessert without the box or odd wrapper (not the usual Drumstick package, but a foil that you need to unwrap), I would honestly not make any connection to Twinkies. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.  If you were expecting a frozen Twinkie, you can always freeze one yourself.  If you were instead looking for a new flavor of Drumstick, you can't go wrong.

RATING:  5/5

CHEESEBURGER OREOS

Now I've seen everything!

The limited edition Oreos have been hit or miss for me.  Even when I like the underlying flavor, sometimes the taste isn't strong enough...or sometimes I question the type of cookie on the outside.  And when I don't like the underlying flavor...well, there is nothing in the world that could get me to appreciate a Swedish Fish Oreo!

But I do love a good cheeseburger!

Let's start with the "creme."  The cheese half isn't so much of a cheese-flavored creme as it is a cheese-flavored product akin to Cheese Whiz...albeit less creamy.  The other half, supposedly beef flavor, tastes a lot more like artificial bacon flavor.  In other words, smokey!  And although the packaging does say that the cookie is made with ground beef (confirmed by the ingredient list), the tiny pieces of beef jerky are hardly noticeable and don't add anything to the flavor.

On its own, the inside isn't too bad, but then Nabisco made the decision to contain it in the usual artificial chocolate cookie.  I've never been a fan of the cookie, preferring the Golden Oreos or the graham cookies they've used with other limited editions.  I have no idea if it would have been possible to get a cookie to taste like a sesame seed bun...which tastes like nothing...but they didn't even try.  Perhaps there is some country in the world where it is acceptable to combine cheeseburgers with chocolate, but if so, that's not a place where I want to live.

By the way, this limited edition cookie only comes out on this day every year, so if my review hasn't scared you off, good luck finding it!

RATING:   4/1