APPLE JACKS ICE CREAM

Here we go again!

Are people eating less cereal overall? Are certain cereal companies losing market share to newcomers? Are those legacy companies looking to expand into adjacent markets that make sense? All of the above?

Beloved junk food brands moving from one type of product to another is a relatively recent phenomenon but it shows no sign of stopping! At this rate, it is only a matter of time before we start seeing candy bar-flavored Smirnoff vodkas and cereal-flavored Bailey's. In some cases, the results are amazing--such as Snickers and Twix ice cream bars or Cinnamon Toast Crunch Hershey Kisses. In other cases, such as Froot Loop bagels, the combination is perplexing. This one certainly falls into the latter category...

In case you miss them during the month I predict that these things will be on the store shelves before being discontinued for lack of interest, Kellogg's recently introduced ice creams based on its Eggo waffles as well as six of its cereal brands: Froot Loops, Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Honey Smacks, Rice Krispie (Treats) and Apple Jacks. Not having money to burn on all of them, I thought I'd start with the version based upon one of my favorite cereals. Plus, having already reviewed the abomination that was Apple Jacks Pop-Tarts a few years back, this gives me a "second bite at the apple"...so to speak.

(In retrospect, I probably should have gone with the Corn Pops ice cream...at least I wouldn't have had any false hope of that one tasting good!)

Let's start with the visuals, shall we? The ice cream contains small bits of orange and green that can best be described as sparkles rather than sprinkles, if that makes any sense. In other words, they appear to be present only for decoration as you can't isolate them for taste (as you would with green and red pieces of candy in your peppermint stick ice cream). In this respect, the ice cream almost reminds me of the bottom of the bowl after you've eaten Apple Jacks cereal...slightly pink milk with miniscule pieces of orange and green. The ice cream does taste like apple--not sour apple, fortunately, but an imitation candy apple flavor that is too sweet for me. Good as a Jolly Rancher? Maybe. As ice cream? Not really. 

Where does the cinnamon part come in, you may ask? 

(Trivia Time: Why was the cereal called Apple Jacks in the first place, rather than Apple Cinnamon? Apparently, "Jack" just refers to the generic term as a common name for a male...that's a fact, Jack...and the first mascot was an apple with a face carved into it named "Apple Jack" for marketing.)

Well thanks for asking about the cinnamon, because that is the biggest surprise of Apple Jacks ice cream! It does not appear to be in the main body of the ice cream itself, but in "swirls." Okay, no problem, it's like the filling of a toaster strudel, right? Wrong! Here is the fun part--unlike, say, a gooey caramel swirl, this cinnamon "swirl" has the consistency of brown sugar. Brown sugar that has been in your pantry for longer than you remember, that is, and as a result is now clumped together. Not only that, but it has zero physical connection to the ice cream itself. You would never be able to separate a caramel ribbon from your ice cream without making a mess, since it is spread throughout, but here the cinnamon "chunks" don't blend with the ice cream at all. I'm not sure what is keeping them together, but you can easily fish them out of the ice cream intact, without a molecule of ice cream clinging to them.

So, yes, if you are following me, this is an apple-flavored ice cream with grainy chunks of cinnamon littered throughout. I suppose it tastes like Apple Jacks cereal only in the same way that Apple Jacks cereal doesn't exactly taste like apple and cinnamon--for that, you should just mix cinnamon and apple Jelly Bellies (you're welcome!), drink a spiced apple cider, sprinkle cinnamon on apple pie filling or even just fill your mouth with Hot Tamales before taking a bite of a real apple. All of those possibilities are guaranteed to give you more enjoyment than this concoction! 

RATING: 2 / 5

PEANUT BUTTER & JELLY M&M's

It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized many people ate a different type of peanut butter and jelly sandwich than I did growing up as a child. In our family, grape was the preferred flavor of jelly. In fact, I cannot remember ever eating a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich as a child...although I may have had peanut butter and honey (especially on crackers) on more than one occasion. I do remember that Welch's grape jelly came in glass jars that frequently had cartoon characters imprinted on the side, and that we used these as drink glasses for years afterwards...until Archie, Betty and Veronica had faded away from countless dishwashing. But I digress...

I'll have to confirm with my own kids, now adults, but something tells me that I passed on the family tradition by making them peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches as well. At the time, Smucker's Uncrustables...which are crust-less sandwiches found in the freezer aisle...didn't even exist. They didn't exist when I was a kid either, but it would have been interesting to have had access to both strawberry and grape sandwiches depending upon the mood. Uncrustables keep both camps happy; M&M's, on the other hand, does not. Or does it?

From the color of the wrapper, tan and red, you might assume that these candies are strawberry flavored. I wish I could tell you that you are right...or wrong...but that's the problem. I have no idea! There is a peanut butter flavor, albeit nowhere near as strong as the peanut butter M&M's and lacking the crunch of peanut M&M's, but it is paired with an ambiguous sweetness. I thought if I dissected these things I'd be able to tell what it was but there is nothing visible other than the shell, the chocolate and the peanut butter inside. I'm guessing the flavor might be in the chocolate, rather than the peanut butter, but I honestly couldn't make that determination either!

If these candies tasted good I would have simply shrugged and continue eating them. After all, there are plenty of other things in life which I enjoy even though I don't understand exactly how they work: OLED displays, trying to move an image inside of a Word document without messing up the formatting, carburetors, etc. But I did not enjoy these at all! The peanut butter flavor was too subdued, and whether the "jelly" flavor was supposed to approximate strawberry or grape, it tastes like neither. These M&M's left me with an unpleasant aftertaste and made me wonder if, like peanut butter and "whatever" jelly sandwiches, maybe I've outgrown M&M's as an adult. 

Nah...

RATING: 2 / 5

BIRTHDAY CAKE OREOS

I've said this before, but apparently I need to repeat myself...almost as if no one from Nabisco, Hostess, Kellogg's or Hershey is reading this blog! THERE IS NO SUCH FLAVOR AS BIRTHDAY CAKE! And, as long as we are on the subject, neither is there such a flavor as ice cream, pie or donut...or even pizza, for that matter!

That's not to say, of course, that we don't all recall a specific taste when we hear those words. But your mental pictures...I mean, flavors...of cake (German chocolate), ice cream (Rocky Road) and donuts (glazed) may be quite different than my cake (lemon), ice cream (Americone Dream) and donuts (maple bar). I know for a fact that my default pizza taste (pepperoni and sausage, heavy cheese, light red sauce) is not the same as my wife's (chicken, bacon, spinach and mushrooms with creamy garlic sauce).

So, for those of you who prefer strawberry, spice, marble or literally every flavor (is there a pizza birthday cake?) other than vanilla, Nabisco owes you an apology for getting your hopes up. 

Considering that Nabisco already makes a golden Oreo with vanilla creme, what exactly is the difference here? Well...um...this creme has microscopic rainbow-colored sprinkles which may be pleasing to your eyes even if they are inconsequential to your tastebuds. The creme is also slightly sweeter, in my opinion, but by a magnitude so minor that you might not notice it at all. It does sort of taste more like vanilla cake frosting but without the added bonus of turning your tongue blue or red thanks to the food coloring.

Does that make for a bad cookie? Not at all. I happen to like golden Oreos more than the regular chocolate variety, so these taste fine to me. But, are they anything to praise (a la Blueberry Pie or Cookie Butter Oreos) or condemn (a la Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids Oreos)? Again, not at all. 

Sounds like a pretty boring birthday party snack to me! Might as well eat them with vanilla ice cream...and cheese pizza.

RATING: 3 / 5