SOUR PATCH KIDS OREOS

Continuing the ill-advised trend of making Oreos taste like some type of candy...if not actually using said candy inside the filling or as part of the cookie itself...I present to you the latest: Sour Patch Kids Oreos.

This calls to mind a question that I have frequently asked my dogs (and perhaps also my kids before their frontal lobes developed): "Have you learned nothing?"

Nabisco's track record isn't exactly impressive. I've gone on record as saying that Swedish Fish Oreos weren't just the worst Oreos ever, but one of the most disgusting things I have ever eaten...and I'm pretty sure I swallowed a worm as a child and a goldfish as a college student. Peeps Oreos were average at best, which is probably better than most people expected. So I wasn't about to get my hope up here...

Since my wife often tells me that I need to soften the harshness of my criticism by first mentioning something positive before hammering on the negatives, I will say just this: Using the golden cookie instead of the chocolate (or the graham) was a good idea. So, maybe they did learn something from the Swedish Fish Oreo after all?

That's pretty much the only nice thing I can say about this abomination of a cookie. At least with people, you can say they have a nice personality. Or that they are punctual. But with Oreos? Uh...umm...I like your round, circular shape? (Don't use that one on people, by the way, trust me!) 

The whiff of artificial sour fruit you get when opening the package should alert you to the fact that you just made a big mistake. But, go ahead. Convince yourself that they cannot possibly taste as bad as they smell and eat one. (Just be sure to have a glass of water nearby...you're welcome!)

I'm not even going to discuss what "colorful inclusions" means or what "Sour Patch Kids flavored" actually refers to. Is it watermelon? Strawberry? Peach? Grape? (All of the above?) Suffice it to say that the sweet and sour fruit flavor is in no way suited for use in either the cookie or the creme.

I'm just trying to figure out one thing (other than why I bothered to try these): Did Nabisco first reach out to Mondelez with the idea of licensing the Sour Patch Kids? Or did the Nabisco scientists stumble across this horrible flavor by accident and then, seeking to recoup their R&D losses, decided to partner with a candy company desperate for publicity? 

(Fun Fact: Sour Patch Kids were originally developed under the name "Mars Men" and are known as "Very Bad Kids" in France. Which means at least the French can keep the "Very Bad" part of the name for these cookies...)

RATING:     1 / 5

 

  

 

CHURRO OREOS

I've said this before, but apparently it bears repeating for Nabisco. "Churro" is not a flavor any more than "pie" or "cake" or "donut" is a flavor! It's just the type of dessert...

That said, I understand when you think of a “churro” you are expecting the taste of cinnamon and sugar. Just as if you had bought “pizza-flavored” potato chips and expected the taste of oregano and tomato sauce…even though that’s just one kind of pizza! (And, sadly, there are other flavors of churros out there…even if they are just as much of an abomination as a creamy garlic Alfredo sauce and artichoke heart pizza.)

But I digress…

So, what’s to distinguish this Oreo from, let’s say, a cinnamon roll Oreo?

Well, for starters, the cookie wafer is supposed to be a “fried dough flavor.” When I read that on the package, I initially called “BS.” As we all know, Oreo cookies are either traditional black (chocolate), golden (vanilla?) or graham (as we’ve seen with flavors such as S’mores and Key Lime Pie). But then I resorted to the super scientific method of removing the outside cookie and eating it separately…and lo and behold, while yellow in color it doesn’t taste like a golden or a graham cookie but something in between. It also had a different texture—possibly due to “corn grits” (seriously!) which are in the ingredients list. That or the “sugar inclusions” (also mentioned on the label). Does it taste like fried dough? No, not even warmed in the microwave…although I didn’t try frying it. Hmm…

Still, an Oreo succeeds or fails not in the cookie but mostly on the strength of its creme filling…which, on the package, is erroneously described as “churro flavored” (i.e. cinnamon sugar). Unfortunately (and these are words I never thought I’d say…considering that as kids we created double and triple stuffed Oreos by hand before Nabisco realized that could be a new product), there is a little too much creme here in the ratio of cookie-to-creme. Churros are dusted with cinnamon sugar, after all, not covered with cinnamon frosting!

Does this cookie taste like a churro? No, not really…at least not at first. But, if you wait for the aftertaste, I suppose you might be fooled into thinking that you had eaten a churro earlier in the day. So, I suppose I can give Nabisco some credit where it is due.

Like last year’s Churro Kit Kats, this cookie will never take the place of a real, warm churro…at least not unless it is deep fried…but, even so, it is a good Oreo option for those who enjoy cinnamon sugar.

RATING: 4 / 5

CHURRO KIT KAT

I understand that Kit Kat aren't everyone's bag of tea, as they consist of a light wafer cookie covered with a very thin layer of chocolate. No peanuts. No caramel. No nougat. Not even coconut (for those of you weirdos who mange to keep Mounds and Almond Joy in business). Pretty unsubstantial. I mean, Twix is a cookie too, but look at how it has dressed itself up so nicely, Kit Kat is like the unappreciated younger sibling. And, until recently, we only had the single original flavor...despite the fact that our junk food brothers and sisters in Japans had flavors we could only dream of!

Fortunately, we've seen a number of interesting flavors come our way...blueberry being one of the most recent. I'm also a fan of key lime and orange--not when they dye the cookie orange or green colors for Halloween (which tastes exactly the same) but when they actually coat the wafer cookie with flavored coating. As with Oreo cookies, I prefer the flavored versions to the original.

As someone who has been known to eat three churros each and every day, during the course of a three-day trip to Disneyland/California Adventure...and who has memorized the churro cart locations in both parks...you would expect that these new Churro Kit Kats would be right up my alley. So did I. But, unfortunately, sometimes Kit Kats (like life) can be disappointing.

You see, I'm not sure where you get your churros, but the last thing that happens before the vendor wraps them up in wax paper and hands them to me is the requisite cinnamon sugar bath. When I take that first bite, I want to literally hear the sugar and cinnamon crystals sliding through the paper, out the other side, and cascading onto the street where a uniformed cast member stands ready to sweep up my mess. (Gotta love the efficiency of Disneyland street sweepers!)

Imagine my surprise, then, when I didn't see the word cinnamon used on the label. Or listed in the ingredients. Sadly, there is no cinnamon flavor here at all. What's left, then, tastes more like a type of sugar cookie. In fact, had you given me this Kit Kat without the wrapper, I would have been entirely unable to name the flavor. Maybe they just swapped labels with the birthday cake version from 2020?

Is it decent? Yes. Would I try it again? Probably. Does it taste anything like a churro? Sadly, no. 

RATING: 3/5

 

REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPCAKES

I've always been a big fan of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...although I'm a little less enamored with the eggs, pumpkins and Christmas tree shapes, seeing as how they mess with the sacred ratio of peanut butter to chocolate. In related junk food, Reese's Pieces are awesome and I enjoy Reese's Peanut Butter Chip-Ahoy Cookies and Reese's Peanut Butter ice cream. In fact, had this product never existed, I would have rested secure in the knowledge that I love everything Reese's.

Then came this.

The first red flag should have been the company producing it--not Hostess, not even Little Debbie, but Mrs. Freshley's. They've apparently been around for awhile, but I've never heard of them before now. And, considering that their label is on pre-packed, preservative-laden snack cakes, the word "fresh" shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the packaging. Still, they make knock-off versions of Twinkies and Ho-Hos and Donettes, so how hard would it be to make a decent cupcake? Apparently, very!

The first thing I noticed is that it didn't hold together very well (the way a Hostess cupcake does) when I took my first bite. That first bite also managed to entirely fail to connect with any of the so-called peanut butter flavored filling. All I got was the chocolate cake which, frankly, tasted awful. But the peanut butter icing and filling should make up for that, right? Not at all. The icing on top was thin and lacked any satisfying texture or flavor. The filling, when I finally found it, tasted almost nothing like peanut butter. I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone in the Mrs. Freshley factory whose job is to siphon the oil off the top of open jars of Skippy and then stir it together with Hostess cupcake filling.

While not the most inedible junk food I have ever tasted (Swedish Fish Oreos still reign supreme), it's not a very good cupcake and certainly doesn't do Reese's reputation any favors. Save your money for a gourmet cupcake the next time that "Icing on The Cupcake" brings back their peanut butter flavor. You'll only be able to buy one for about the same price as six of these, but it is definitely a better value.

RATING: 1/5

LEMON CHEERIOS

 <Begin old-man voice> "When I was growing up, Cheerios were boring! It was the most plain cereal you could eat! There was only one flavor! And we liked it! Now, get off my lawn!" <End old-man voice>

It's true! From 1941 to 1976, there was only a single variation of Cheerios. (If you remember a "frosted" version, as I do, General Mills released that cereal under a completely different name: "Frosty-O's.") The first official flavor variation, "Cinnamon Nut Cheerios," appeared during America's bicentennial year and quickly disappeared, but "Honey Hunt Cheerios" was an immediate success upon its launch in 1979. "Apple Cinnamon" debuted in 1988, but that was about it. Despite the fact that two generations of  parents made Cheerios  their baby-appeasing car seat snack of choice, the company played it safe until the early 2000s. 

Whether sparked by the relief of surviving Y2K, or realizing that everyone else was doing flavored cereals, General Mills finally gave in to reckless abandon by releasing a new Cheerios flavor every year since 2005. They certainly covered a lot of ground--from multigrain and yogurt variations to banana nut, chocolate peanut butter to pumpkin spice, maple to toasted coconut, peach, blueberry and strawberry. Just about the only flavor they hadn't tried yet was lemon...until now!

The scent is a little overwhelming, bordering on lemon air fresheners rather than lemonade, but in milk, the taste mellows. (And before you gag at the thought of milk with lemon, just think lemon meringue.) It does taste vaguely lemony...in the same way that Fruit Loops taste vaguely fruity...but not overpoweringly so. And it is definitely not tart in any way. Your tolerance for this cereal will entirely depend upon your tolerance for lemon flavoring. Me? While I prefer Apple Cinnamon and Honey Nut over all other Cheerios flavors (including the plain ol' boring ones), I thought this was a nice change of pace. 

RATING: 4/5

ICEE CEREAL

Growing up, ICEEs were a regular part of my visits to the Sunrise Rollerland skating rink, Not to mention convenience stores, carnivals or any other places that the red cherry and blue raspberry frozen concoction could be found.

Originally I had no interest or intention of reviewing this new cereal. Sure, it seemed to be an odd tie-in, as I don't think anyone associates ICEEs with breakfast cereals. Even so, I imagined that the red and blue cereal pieces were simply cherry and raspberry flavored, and we've already got Captain Crunch All-Berries for that, thank you very much.

But then I spied some text on the box that caught my attention. "Feel The Freeze," it says. "Cools your mouth as you eat," it says. Surely they must have provided steps on the back of the box for putting this cereal in the freezer to accomplish such a task! They did not...and I won't call you Shirley again.

Intrigued, I purchased a box so that you wouldn't have to. It smelled just about the way I expected it to. Sickly sweet, like the drink...and nothing like real fruit. Pouring it into the bowl I noticed that there were red, blue and purple cereal pieces. Was that supposed to be the "mixed" flavor? Who knows? I was fixated solely on getting to the bottom of whether the cereal cooled my mouth as I ate it...and, if not, whether a class action lawsuit might be in order.

And...darned if it didn't actually cool my mouth! But not in a "this is a cold ICEE on a hot day which I had better drink slow or else I'll end up with brainfreeze" way. More of an "I just sprayed Chloraseptic sore throat spray into my mouth and now I've got a cherry cough drop taste in my mouth" way. And while that latter sensation is perfectly fine if I actually had a sore throat, it is quite definitely not the taste I wanted or expected from a cereal.

I'm still not exactly sure what combination of natural or unnatural ingredients Kellogg's used to pull off such a feat. "Menthol" is not listed on the box, for example, and a doctor's prescription wasn't required to purchase. ICEE cereal is available over the counter. But do yourself a favor and avoid at all costs...even if your insurance covers it.

RATING: 1/5

APPLE JACKS POP-TARTS

Sometimes the opportunity for corporate "synergy" overrides common sense.

Take Pop-Tarts, for example. Kellogg's has been producing these popular toaster "pastries" (in the loosest sense of the word) since 1964. Their small size make them handy for an on-the-go snack when you don't have time to sit down for a bowl of Kellogg's cereal.

But with the recent Fruit Loops Pop-Tart, and now this Apple Jacks Pop-Tart, Kellogg's is branding their toaster pastries with their most famous cereal names. (If they end up releasing a "Honey Smacks or Corn Pops Pop-Tart," , I'm outta here...) It's a dubious idea at best.

If I wanted the taste of Apple Jacks, I'd simply eat the cereal. And if I wanted an apple/cinnamon Pop-Tart, I'd probably settle for the existing brown sugar cinnamon variety instead...or wait for the Frosted Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts to make a reappearance. After all, there's (currently) no law against eating two Pop-Tarts simultaneously. So...who exactly is this for?

I made the mistake of thinking it was for people who like Apple Jacks cereal.

I must give Kellogg's credit, however, that the abomination that is at the center of these Pop-Tarts does look like Apple Jacks (the orange one, anyway) and it mostly taste like Apple Jacks cereal except without the crunch...which is the best part. It sort of tastes like a soggy piece of cereal left at the bottom of the bowl. Half dissolved in milk. In your sink after you come home from school six hours later and realize you didn't rinse your bowl and put it in the dishwasher. Shame on you! And shame on Kellogg's for making me want to try these things which are worse than both the regular cinnamon or apple Pop-Tarts and the cereal which this new flavor is based upon.  

RATING: 2/5