LEMON BLUEBERRY CRUMBLE POP TARTS

Another year, another batch of new Pop Tart flavors! I know that supposedly the only certainties in life are death and taxes, but Pop Tarts are probably just behind those two. And despite the fact that they are probably the most unhealthy junk food ever created, we are apparently still eating them...ensuring that Kellogg's is going to keep on making them, some 60+ years after they were first invented.

Even so, I don't know why the company bothers creating new varieties. Of all the snacks out there, Pop Tarts has probably tried (and failed) the largest number of flavors and combinations--from vanilla latte, Eggo waffles, Boston creme donuts and maple bacon to A&W root beer, pumpkin pie and Apple Jacks and Froot Loops cereals. The nadir was the 2021 "Mystery Flavor" which turned out to be everything bagels (!). With 20-30 varieties in production at any time, why don't they stick with the core flavors (brown sugar cinnamon, strawberry and blueberry...frosted or unfrosted)? But, I suppose I should be thankful they don't, otherwise I'd have nothing to write about.

The latest flavor, Lemon Blueberry Crumble, doesn't specifically note that it is a "Limited Edition" on the packaging...so God help us if it joins the regular rotation! It certainly doesn't belong there. But even if it gets discontinued, as it should, don't worry--I'm sure you'll be able to find them in a dollar store somewhere for the foreseeable future. True, the label might say "Best By November 2025," but who are we kidding? These things are built to last.

As a fan of both lemon and blueberry snacks, you might think this new Pop Tart would be right up my alley. That's what I thought as well...until I tried them. Now I just think they belong in an alley.

Blueberry is my second favorite Pop Tarts flavor, right behind brown sugar cinnamon, but here they've somehow managed to mess it up. I don't taste any lemon whatsoever, by the way, but apparently Kellogg's snackologists were inspired by Bath & Body Works. This "lemon blueberry" tastes like the smell of a candle, soap or potpourri and leaves a nasty aftertaste. As for the crumble? Perhaps future scientists will extract the microscopic yellow bits from the frosted coating and, as with a mosquito in amber, discover the DNA of a cake crumble. But, whatever they turn out to be, they add absolutely nothing to the taste or to the texture of this Pop Tart.

If you like lemon and blueberry and are intrigued by the combination, you are better off buying those separate Pop Tart flavors, cutting one of each in half and melding them via the microwave oven. Otherwise, I'd definitely avoid these...unless you want to stick a wick in one and light it the next time you take a bath.  

RATING: 1 / 5

   

 

RICE KRISPIES TREATS PEEPS

Of all the fads I've witnessed in snacks and candies over the years, we are currently in the middle of one of the most inexplicable trends...the attempt to make one junk food taste like another. I don't mean combining two disparate flavors, like adding potato chips to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, or finding a new form factor for an existing snack, such as Twinkie's cereal or Twinkie's drumsticks ice cream. Those at least make sense to me.

I'm talking about partnerships between two nearly identically-flavored junk foods which are direct competitors for our taste buds (and wallets). Exhibit A: "Funyuns-flavored Lays Wavy Potato Chips." Funyuns, if you aren't aware, are an onion-flavored chip-like snack that come in bags stocked on the store shelves immediately adjacent to Lays. If you are in the mood for an onion-flavored chip, why wouldn't you just buy Sour Cream and Onion Lays, Ruffles or Pringles? If you prefer the corn-meal based Funyuns, these are readily available. Why would you instead choose a potato chip that is trying to imitate your preferred snack?  

Now, before I go on, let me just say that the person who first had the epiphany to coat Rice Krispies cereal in butter and marshmallows deserves an honored place in the pantheon of American (nay, World!) history...right behind the two people that got their chocolate in the other's peanut butter and right ahead of the discovery of penicillin. But that doesn't mean we need to cheapen the beauty of Rice Krispie Treats by partnering them with...shudder...Peeps.

This is either the most brilliant examples of brand synergy I have ever seen, or one of the laziest...akin to announcing Hershey chocolate-flavored M&Ms. Peeps, which are nothing but sugar-coated marshmallows, are typically colored fluorescent pink and yellow for Easter and often released in different flavors such as chocolate, strawberry, caramel apple and pickle (!). For Rice Krispies Treats Peeps, we basically have an uncolored and unflavored Peep. In other words, a marshmallow!

Does it taste any better or worse than a regular Peep? No. Does it taste like a Rice Krispies Treat? Minus the cereal and the butter, I suppose so. (They might as well release Rice Krispies Treat-flavored Jet-Puffed marshmallows while they are at it...) Is there any reason to choose this junk food if Rice Krispies Treats are still being produced? Or as long as we have access to cereal, butter and marshmallows? None at all.  

RATING:    3 / 5 

OREO COCA-COLA & COCA-COLA OREOS

Before I get to the annual onslaught of new "pumpkin spice" junk food, which started appearing on store shelves as early as August, I wanted to clear the decks by covering the second most important pairing of the past few years...behind Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, that is. 

Like Taylor and Travis, Coca-Cola and Oreo would appear to have nothing in common...other than both being well-liked. Unlike Taylor and Travis, however, no one was rooting for them as a couple. It is also hard to imagine the offspring of Oreo and Coke being anything other than a disaster (unlike Taylor and Travis, who would undoubtedly combine to create the perfect children).

Unfortunately, just like the time you weren't able talk your best friend out of hooking up with that person they met in a bar when both of them were falling-down drunk, Oreo and Coca-Cola have now paired up...despite all of our misgivings. And we no longer have to imagine what their offspring would be like--they are both here, and they aren't pretty!

Let's start with the drink. You might expect it would be harder to create a cola that tastes like a cookie than a cookie that tastes like cola, and you would be right! Sadly, this Oreo soda only comes in a "zero sugar" version which automatically earns it a "-1" from me because I cannot stand the aftertaste of sugar substitutes. It is very hard to describe the actual flavor, though, because it definitely isn't true chocolate (although neither is an Oreo). There is a nanosecond when the liquid first hits your taste buds that it may actually remind you of an Oreo, but that moment is quickly gone and you are instead left with more of the taste of a bad cream soda. And that sucralose/aspartame aftertaste...

The cookie fares a little better, but not much. One side is the traditional black Oreo wafer; the other side is a golden wafer colored bright red. The chocolate wafer side is supposed to contain Coca-Cola syrup, but I honestly couldn't taste it. The flavor of the "creme" filling is hard to pin down. Even Oreo's own website avoids mentioning the flavor, just describing "smooth white-colored creme." It doesn't really taste that much like cola...more a slight cherry. Come to think of it, if you've ever accidentally (or intentionally) mixed the cherry with the cola from an ICEE machine, that's what it tastes like. It also contains microscopic "popping candy" (i.e. Pop Rocks) which is intended to simulate the effervescence of a carbonated soda. It doesn't. 

As I learned from all of my childhood experiments combining crushed Bottle Caps candy with water, the best way to get the taste of a soda is to just buy an actual soda. That still holds true today. I don't know who wants a cookie that initially tastes like coke before tasting like an Oreo -or- a soda that initially tastes like an Oreo but then tastes like a weird coke. You are better off just buying the normal versions of each.

The marketing materials claim that the companies have "combined the best parts of both products." That's definitely not true, but you can't blame them for putting a positive spin on the news. In fact, I'm certain this is exactly what Taylor and Travis' publicist would say if their children turned out to carry recessive genes that caused them to look like their weird uncles and not their beautiful parents. 

 

RATING:    Coca-Cola 2 / 5       //      Oreo 3 / 5

 

ORANGE CREAM POP TWIZZLERS

 

Before I get started, I want to apologize profusely for missing the boat on this one! When I  recently spotted them at the local Target, I wrongly assumed that they were a brand-new creation. 

Unbeknownst to me...and perhaps to you...this flavor was actually introduced back in 2017. I should have brought these to your attention back then but I completely missed them! (Sorry! Maybe I was too busy hoarding Hershey Gold?) Since then, the flavor has been re-released at least once (2019) and is now apparently a permanent addition to the Twizzlers line-up.

Oh, and one additional housekeeping note before I jump into the review: Can we please STOP calling Twizzlers and Red Vines red licorice candies or licorice-type candy? Yes, they share the same basic shape and consistency, but so do many other foods and snacks. (You wouldn't call a lime a "lemon-type fruit," would you? Well...perhaps you would...)

Even though Twizzlers (est. 1845) and Red Vines (est. 1914) began as licorice candies, the non-licorice flavors have long surpassed the originals in popularity. In fact, strawberry now accounts for 70% of all Twizzlers sold. And after the American Licorice Company's cherry-flavored candy underwent a formula change in 1950 it became so popular that the company rebranded itself as "Red Vines"...even though no one can say conclusively what a red vine actually tastes like. Whatever you call them, though, these candies consist of wheat flour, corn syrup, sugar, dyes and flavoring but not licorice root...except for the actual licorice versions!

But I digress...

Back in 2006, Twizzlers had the brilliant idea of filling the hollow center of their twists with some sort of viscous edible material. It's not frosting, more like the gooey center of a Pop Tart, but like laws and sausages it is probably best not to ask how they are made (or what the filling is made of). The initial "filled twists" flavors were citrus punch and cherry kick, both of which are still around today; later, Twizzlers added strawberry lemonade, key lime pie and this orange cream pop flavor.

The orange flavor is similar to that of a Starburst--it's artificial, to be sure, but not too tangy our sour on its own, even before it gets smoothed out by the taste of the "cream" filling. Speaking of which, I'm actually surprised they didn't spell it "creme" as Hostess does to avoid the implication that there is anything even vaguely milk-related about it. It is vanilla flavored, I suppose, but not too strong. Together, the two flavors to approximate the smell (if not the texture, nor exactly the taste) of an orange cream popsicle.

My verdict? I've gone back and forth on this so many times that I've decided to split the difference and give it a "3" to indicate that it is just average.

I must warn you, though...there appears to be some strange Jedi mind-trick voodoo going on with these candies! I purchased these Twizzlers expecting them to taste horrible. Imagine my surprise when I actually liked them! I then told my wife that they were good; she had one and thought they were horrible. Knowing that I liked them, however, I ate another one the following day...and it was horrible. Finally, after I told a friend that they were horrible, he had one and thought they were good. Can you see the pattern now?

The bottom line is that as long as you pre-set your expectations mentally you can game the system. Tell yourself that these are disgusting and you just might like them. But, God forbid, don't think you will like them...or you definitely won't!

RATING: 3 / 5 

 

 

   

CHOCOLATE FROSTED DONUT KIT KATS

Look...I'm sorry about posting two Kit Kat reviews, both 4/5, in a row. But at least this one is currently available in stores (unlike Lemon Crisp)!  Also, as a backstory, I only bought this one fully expecting to give it a low score to balance out the last Kit Kats I enjoyed and to prove I am not on Nestle's payroll. So, the fact that I liked it came as a big surprise to me as well!

I've said many times before that Kit Kats pale in comparison with their big, sturdy candy bar brethren that feature caramel, nougat and peanuts. If you're "hangry," you'll grab a Snickers bar so you can get right back into that touch football game. The people picking up a Kit Kat are more likely getting back to their quilting. If a Snickers is a Monster Truck, a Kit Kat is a Nissan Leaf. If a Snickers is a pint of Guinness, a Kit Kat is a cup of chamomile tea. If...well, you get the idea!

That is main reason why I think fruit flavors (which would never work with a Snickers, let alone a Twix) pair well with the Kit Kat wafers...at least if they are done well (unlike the Apple Pie monstrosity). And that is also why peanut butter, fudge, cinnamon, hazelnut and other "heavier" flavors don't do Kit Kats any favors. Until now, that is...

Now, the first question you might be asking yourself is: "What does chocolate frosted donut flavor taste like?" And, if your inner voice asks this question using Homer Simpson's voice, we are definitely on the same wavelength! Lately, it seems that candy confectioners have been throwing vanilla and/or maple flavoring into everything and calling it either a pancake or a donut. Not surprisingly, the resulting junk food tastes like neither! Blueberry pancake cereal? Tastes like artificial blueberries with a hint of maple. Strawberry donut cookies? Tastes like artificial strawberry with a hint of vanilla and maple. So that is what I was expecting with these.

Perhaps my appreciation was unfairly influenced by the fact that I had recently picked up Dunkin Donuts (for the first time, I might add--as a kid I was a Winchell's Donut fan through and through). So, to eliminate any potential "recency" bias, I ate another one a week later. The result was identical--this Kit Kat really does taste like a chocolate covered donut! A French Cruller, perhaps, rather than the glaze donut pictured on the label, but a donut all the same.

I honestly have no idea how they did it! Maybe it is as simple as keeping the chocolate coating only on the top half but switching to maple/vanilla coating on the bottom. Or maybe they altered the recipe of the barely-there creme? Or maybe the texture of the wafer (once you've started chewing it) tricks your brain into thinking you're eating a Cruller? 

I don't really know, and I suppose I don't really care how they are made. (And, yes, I like sausage, politics and hot dogs as well.) All I know is that I enjoyed these. They are sweeter than the standard Kit Kat...and sports-playing Snicker's afficionados aren't likely to stock these in the glove compartment of their 4x4s and time soon...but if you are a fan of a chocolate-covered donuts and Kit Kats, you may want to give them a try.

RATING: 4 / 5

 

LEMON CRISP KIT KATS

I mistakenly thought this was a permanent addition to the Kit Kat line-up when I purchased a few of these around Easter. Unfortunately, it looks as if they were a "holiday" release so you are unlikely to find them on store shelves...with the possible exception of the Dollar Tree-type retailers who will stock recently expired can goods and discontinued candy. 

(Which reminds me: The town I grew up in featured a "Hostess Thrift Store" adjacent to a supermarket where one could buy Twinkies, Ding Dongs and such on the cheap just because the expiration date on the packaging had passed...as if Twinkies don't last forever! But I digress...)

I still think we need some standardization when it comes to holiday junk food flavors.  Right now, we seem to have: 

• Halloween (an easy one, though often reviled): Pumpkin spice
• Christmas: Peppermint candy cane and eggnog
• Valentine's Day: Chocolate and strawberry are the forerunners
• St. Patrick's Day: The current favorite appears to be mint, if only for the color
• Easter: Well, this is where there isn't a clear flavor favorite...other than things which are colored yellow and pink (Hello Peeps and See's Candy jelly eggs!). Lemon fits the bill, and it is certainly better than cotton candy...or Peeps...so let's make it official!

But I digress again...

I am definitely a fan of fruit flavors in general and lemon in particular but I recognize that it isn't always easy to get right when it comes to junk food. The sour flavor of Lemonheads wouldn't work inside a cookie, for example, and companies that use artificial flavoring run the risk of making their snacks taste like Lemon Pledge furniture polish. To be honest, that is exactly what I was worried about in the case of these Kit Kats. I mean, the outside coating (usually chocolate flavored) is waxy enough.

To my surprise, the lemon flavor of these Kit Kats was definitely more on the subtle side. It was held back just enough--think lemon creme versus lemon. It didn't taste sour, nor did it taste artificial, and it was light enough to fit just perfect with the wafer cookie and barely-there creme on the inside without overwhelming the other tastes. 

As with the prior blueberry Kit Kats, I do hope that Nestle eventually decides to make Lemon Crisp available all year long...that way, you can find them in your Easter baskets, Halloween candy buckets and Christmas stockings! Just not on Valentine's Day...that would be weird. 

RATING: 4 / 5

  

 

SOUR PATCH KIDS OREOS

Continuing the ill-advised trend of making Oreos taste like some type of candy...if not actually using said candy inside the filling or as part of the cookie itself...I present to you the latest: Sour Patch Kids Oreos.

This calls to mind a question that I have frequently asked my dogs (and perhaps also my kids before their frontal lobes developed): "Have you learned nothing?"

Nabisco's track record isn't exactly impressive. I've gone on record as saying that Swedish Fish Oreos weren't just the worst Oreos ever, but one of the most disgusting things I have ever eaten...and I'm pretty sure I swallowed a worm as a child and a goldfish as a college student. Peeps Oreos were average at best, which is probably better than most people expected. So I wasn't about to get my hope up here...

Since my wife often tells me that I need to soften the harshness of my criticism by first mentioning something positive before hammering on the negatives, I will say just this: Using the golden cookie instead of the chocolate (or the graham) was a good idea. So, maybe they did learn something from the Swedish Fish Oreo after all?

That's pretty much the only nice thing I can say about this abomination of a cookie. At least with people, you can say they have a nice personality. Or that they are punctual. But with Oreos? Uh...umm...I like your round, circular shape? (Don't use that one on people, by the way, trust me!) 

The whiff of artificial sour fruit you get when opening the package should alert you to the fact that you just made a big mistake. But, go ahead. Convince yourself that they cannot possibly taste as bad as they smell and eat one. (Just be sure to have a glass of water nearby...you're welcome!)

I'm not even going to discuss what "colorful inclusions" means or what "Sour Patch Kids flavored" actually refers to. Is it watermelon? Strawberry? Peach? Grape? (All of the above?) Suffice it to say that the sweet and sour fruit flavor is in no way suited for use in either the cookie or the creme.

I'm just trying to figure out one thing (other than why I bothered to try these): Did Nabisco first reach out to Mondelez with the idea of licensing the Sour Patch Kids? Or did the Nabisco scientists stumble across this horrible flavor by accident and then, seeking to recoup their R&D losses, decided to partner with a candy company desperate for publicity? 

(Fun Fact: Sour Patch Kids were originally developed under the name "Mars Men" and are known as "Very Bad Kids" in France. Which means at least the French can keep the "Very Bad" part of the name for these cookies...)

RATING:     1 / 5